I have been writing this post in my head for weeks. It’s been on my mind since before November 5th, yet here I am, almost at the end of the month and finally getting the words down and planning to finally click the “Publish” button. It’s not that I forgot. Quite the opposite. November is a milestone month for me. It’s when I found out I was pregnant with Calvin. It’s when I found out I was pregnant with Rainbow. It should have been the month Gaelen was born, had she made it to term.
My heaven babies occupy my heart in the same way that my earth baby does. But Charlie was sick, fussy, and not sleeping well, and the rest of life and adjusting to returning to work all happened. And as much as November and the 5th and Calvin and Rainbow and Gaelen were in my thoughts, it’s just now that I have the time and wakefulness to come to this space and post. A part of me feels guilty, but another part of me has become more and more aware of this reality: mourning is for me, not for Calvin, not for Rainbow, not for Gaelen. It’s my way of processing the the grief, of trying to integrate the loss of my babies into my life. After over three years since losing my first child, it is a part of my everyday; and my mourning has changed. So perhaps it’s time for me to approach the 5th in a different way. It’s something I need to think about.
For this month’s post, I do want to share these images of my babies:
Louie and I started working on it a while ago. He painted most of it, including our babies and his pet dogs that died. I painted some of the clouds and kites. The balloon with a tag represents the balloon release we did for Calvin. He’s reaching for it in the painting, so he can give it to Gaelen, who’s reaching up for it, while Rainbow is enjoying a butterfly kite.
And here is a photo of Charlie, who amazes me everyday, and who also makes wonder what it could be like to have all of my children together. His shirt says “Little Brother,” and I hope that when he’s older, maybe it will mean as much to him to own it as it does to me seeing him wear it.
Dearest Calvin, Happy (over) 44 months in Heaven. With each day, Mommy and Daddy love you and your siblings more and more. I know there are parts of you and your sisters in Charlie, and I am so grateful to be able to hold him in my arms the way I wish to hold you, Rainbow, and Gaelen. Someday, baby boy, Mommy and Daddy will squish all four of you between us.
