I’m so late posting this, but I wanted give a big thank you to Holly at Caring for Carleigh and Haas Family Blessings for giving me my first blog award. Holly is the sweet mommy of four: Jordan and Carleigh, who live in Heaven, Kyndra who lives on earth, and Lainey, who is growing and forming in her Holly’s womb. She is such a blessing to know, and I appreciate her friendship from across the miles!

The rules of this award are:

1. copy and paste the award on your blog.
2. list who gave the award to you and use a link to her/his blog (or hyperlink).
3. list 10 things that make you happy.
4. pass the award on to other bloggers

10 Things that make me happy are:

(That is, aside from my core – made of God, family, and friends.)

• Picturing Calvin and Rainbow playing in heaven and visiting us on earth
• Multi-course meals – I like appetizers and dessert!
• Making other people happy because it feels good knowing that I put that smile on their face
• Lazy days at home with Louie filled with snuggles and “The Office”
• People letting me know that they are thinking of my babies
• Simple surprises
• Making real, human connections
• Being creative – whether it is with words, art, food, problem solving…
• Feeling understood or at least not feeling like I need to explain myself
• Stillness

People I am passing the award to:

• Kristin at Never Better
• Jaime at Handprint On My Heart
• AKD at Little Footprints
• Jessica at Momma of Two Angels
• Betty at Random Thoughts at 65 MPH
• Birni at All the Little Ponies

P.S. I know I’ve been a bit quiet lately (on multiple fronts, not just on this blog). I’ve been cocooning a bit and started my new job last week, which is going well, which was bit tiring with the longer commute to work. There’s actually a bunch of stuff I want to share, including updates on Kimora (she went home on Thursday ^_^), but it’s been one of those times when you have so much to say it’s hard to get anything out.

P.P.S. In case you hadn’t noticed (or don’t read it on the actual site), if you look at the right sidebar, I’ve added more ways to subscribe to make things a little easier. You can now subscribe to my blog via Email, Facebook (using Network Blogs), Yahoo, Google Reader, and Google FriendConnect.

(Dedicated to my fellow babyloss mommies)

By Jody Seilheimer

Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven,and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought,I saw every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories are our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr.Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way to remind her of her wondrous worth.
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr.Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, in the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13.

In the beginning of this lesson we read in Ezra about the return to Jerusalem, which had been turned into a ghost town, and how the people began rebuilding it. There were those who wept over their lost city, and there those who shouted for joy at the laying of the new foundation. Honestly, I relate more to those who wept, but I can understand the hope that the new foundation symbolizes after the destruction of Jerusalem – this is a cause of rejoicing. It makes me think of what Jesus said about the temple being destroyed and rebuilt. Even though I know the He is risen and that His suffering has ended, thinking of His passion and the suffering that he endured still brought me to tears, as I wrote about in this post. It’s the same with my two babies. Though I am in a place where I can see a “new city,” I still weep for what was and for what could have been. I know that God is working in me. He is re-laying the foundation of my life and my joy. But honestly, I am still in the storm of my grief.

The authors share the following quote and ask which direction we are looking:

Sorrow looks behind,
Fear looks around,
Faith looks.

I am looking in all directions. That can be dizzying.

Praising God after losing my babies was not as difficult for me. I knew the blessing that my babies each were and remained thankful for that. Maybe that’s why I didn’t completely turn away from or feel anger towards Him (but that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel undirected anger), even if I did feel abandoned at times. “Moving on to something new,” however, is a whole different issue that I have difficulty even trying to contemplate. Cognitively, it’s very hard for to separate “moving on” to “leaving behind.” I’m starting to understand that it’s not so much moving on from Calvin and Rainbow, but moving on from the pain and the grief, but I haven’t untangled it all, yet, and I’m okay with that – I know that God is ever so patient and that He is here with me, helping me separate the threads of grief and sorrow from those of hope and joy. And one day, I will made anew. I will be a tapestry in which the lives of Calvin and Rainbow are intricately woven.

³Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to his great mercy begat us again unto a living hope by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴unto an inheritance incorruptible, and undefiled, and that fadeth not away, reserved in heaven for you, ⁵who by the power of God are guarded through faith unto a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. ⁶Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, ye have been put to grief in manifold trials, ⁷that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold that perisheth though it is proved by fire, may be found unto praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ: ⁸whom not having seen ye love; on whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice greatly with joy unspeakable and full of glory: ⁹receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls. I Peter 1:3-9.

We are asked to list some of the “new things” God is doing in our lives. One of the new things God has done in my life is strengthening my faith and erasing the feeling that I need to be “inconspicuous” about my faith so that I don’t offend others. Freedom of religion is about being able to freely practice my beliefs, not about worrying about how my doing the sign of the cross or saying grace at a restaurant might affect others.

This lesson talks abut a sacrifice of praise and how praising Him is the key to letting Him get on with the job.For a previous Walking with You post, I wrote this: Tearful, Empty-Armed, Hurting Praise. I had so much sorrow weighing on my heart at that time, but I learned that there is something very powerful that comes with praising God when you are hurting, and the brokenness becomes okay. His strength is truly made perfect in weakness. Psalm 71:14: But I will hope continually, And will praise thee yet more and more.

I like the quote from Teale Fackler: The Lord has comforted me by giving my grief and experience purpose. It helps to know that I can help others through my experiences by offering my support to those who have lost a child and by helping those who don’t know this pain to understand what we are going through and hopefully give them more insight on how to best offer comfort and support to anyone they know who has suffered this type of loss. I have also found found comfort in the “babyloss” community – through other parents (online and in real life) who have validated my feelings and who have given me hope of finding happiness without “forgetting” and “moving on with my life” – and in those who have, without judgment, been willing to bear witness to my grief and how it has changed me.

There are many things in my life for which I can be joyful. Today though, with Mother’s Day coming up tomorrow, I just want to share this Scripture from Isaiah 49:15-16, because, although my heart aches so badly for Calvin Phoenix and for Rainbow Baby, I am filled with joy knowing that I am still a mother, though my children live in heaven, and that they are safe and whole in God’s care:

¹⁵Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on teh son of her womb? Yea these may forget, yet will I not forget thee. ¹⁶Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.

This is the last post of the Threads of Hope series, and I wanted to give a big thank you to Kelly for leading us through it and encouraging us to stick with it. I have so needed to spend this time in His word, and it has meant a lot to me.

This Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study is part of the “Walking With You” outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. To learn more, read Kelly’s post: “Upcoming Threads of Hope Study.”

To read my posts on other lessons, please use the links below:
•Lesson One: Your Story
•Lesson Two: So Many Questions
•Lesson Three: This Can’t Be Happening
•Lesson Four: Why Me?
•Lesson Five: How Can I Go On?
•Lesson Six: I’ve Got to Get Better Soon
•Lesson Seven: Moving On to Acceptance
•Lesson Eight: Learning to Let Go

Today is a special day, not only for my Calvin Phoenix, but also for Jenna Belle, Franchesca’s sweet little girl. As Calvin is celebrating 14 months in heaven, Jenna is celebrating her 1st birthday there, too — so happy heavenly birthday baby girl! We hope you like your cupcake and enjoyed your birthday with my Calvin and Rainbow.

Something Happened Book Giveaway

Since becoming a part of the babyloss community, I have come to know such amazing people: Parents who are surviving their losses and enduring their grief and the beautiful babies they have carried. These mothers and fathers are such inspirations to me, because their strength does not lie in “getting over it,” but in admitting their moments of weakness, of sharing their heartache, and their desire to look towards joy and hope.

It’s been a while since my first giveaway, so for this month’s The 5th Belongs to Calvin, I would like to have my second giveaway, in honor of my sweet boy, who has stretched my heart and introduced me to a such a special, supportive community.

Watch to video to see the book and find out how to enter. It is my first attempt at vlogging (sort of, since this also has words along with it), so please excuse the weird cracklings, the novice editing, and my voice (is that my voice? is that my voice?).

The winner will be randomly chosen at the end of the month.

My precious Calvin, it’s been 14 months since I last held you, but I miss you as much as ever, and I love you even more. Happy 14 months in heaven, Calvin! Mommy and Daddy love you and Rainbow so much.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I’ve been emailing Raquel all of your messages (from Facebook, Twitter, BabyCenter and this blog), and it has meant a lot to her and Ray to have your support.

I’m very happy to let you know that Raquel and Kimora are doing better. Raquel’s bleeding has improved, and they have removed the uterine balloon and packing. She will have to be on bed rest as she recovers. Kimora still needs help breathing, but they have switched her to a less invasive breathing apparatus, and they will continue to monitor her. She’s expected to be in the NICU for 3-4 weeks.

Here are a couple of pictures of baby girl, which my sisters have texted me. The first is from yesterday (Kimora’s birthday) and the second is from today:

Your continued thoughts, prayers, and positive energy are very much appreciated!