Category Archives: We Remember

Looking for Brown

Posted on October 11, 2011 by Crystal Theresa| Leave a comment

Have you heard of Beryl Young’s Illuminate photographic healing class? It’s a 5-week course that combines creative photography and journaling for bereaved parents. She’s currently offering a free lesson called “Color Your World.” Over at Dandiewinks, I’m sharing the results of my photo walk as I looked for the color brown:

Brown represents the things I long for, the things I’m working towards: comfort, endurance, stability, trust, simplicity, home. I want all of these because I want to show my heaven babies that I am worthy of being their mother, that I am worthy of being their father’s wife, and that I can create good out of the heartache and grief of losing them in this life.

Three flowers

Posted on October 8, 2011 by Crystal Theresa| 2 Comments

I attended a “Walk to Remember” remembrance walk and ceremony in Clearwater with some of my BabyCenter GBJ girls, their husbands, and their rainbow babies. Part of it included putting flowers on and around a memorial tree, planted in the park for babies who have died and their families.

Calvin, Rainbow, and Gaelen's flowers at the Walk to Remember - Nablopomo Between

The three flowers toward the top are for my three babies in heaven.

After we placed the flowers, we were given big cupcakes and sang Happy Birthday to our babies. It was difficult, but good, needed. I’m so glad to have been able to share in this and to honor Calvin, Rainbow, and Gaelen.

This post is part of the NaBloPoMo daily blogging challenge. The theme for this month is “Between,” which goes perfectly with how I’ve been feeling and where I find myself: between hope and despair, between love and fear, between trying to conceive and holding a living child in my arms.

How do you feel about this?

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Posted in Calvin Phoenix, Gaelen Evangeline, Grief, NaBloPoMo, Rainbow Baby, We Remember

Tagged baby loss remembrance, florida, GBJ, memorial, remembering, walk to remember

The 5th Belongs to Calvin: A Visit to Florida

Posted on October 5, 2011 by Crystal Theresa| 4 Comments

One of the most surprising thing that happened after losing Calvin (and each of my babies) was finding friendships in unexpected places. I was amazed and uplifted by receiving compassion, encouragement, and just plain love from people who ranged from former acquaintances to complete strangers.

The BabyCenter Community was where I first discovered the baby loss community and made friendships with mommies who were also struggling with grief and the loss of their babies. My love for Calvin and the emptiness that came with losing him led me to these ladies and we connected as we mourned and fought to remember our children. Two years later and many of these women have become my sisters. They have been there for me through losing Calvin, then Rainbow, then Gaelen, and they are here with me praying, hoping, wishing, and lifting me up. It feels like somehow Calvin must have gotten with their babies in heaven, and they decided, “Our mommies need each other. Let’s get them together.”

Emmit, Pickles, & Quackly in Gulfport So that’s why we are in Florida today: I’m finally meeting a few of these amazing ladies face-to-face, along with their hubbies and rainbow babies. One of these girls, I’ve know for over two years. The other three, I’ve known for almost a year and a half. And on Saturday, we will be walking together in memory of the little ones we lost at the hospital where one of them delivered and lost her twin boys. I’m sure it will be both heartbreaking and beautiful. I’m so honored to have the friendship of these women, as well as that of the wonderful people who’ve been with us throughout this journey.

Dear Calvin, I know you and Rainbow and Gaelen couldn’t stay with mommy and daddy. I know that, but it doesn’t make me miss you any less. So, I’m so grateful for the love that we have from your “aunties” and “uncles” and for the sweetness they have brought to our lives as we wait to be with you again. Happy 31 months in heaven, my darling. Send hugs and kisses to your sisters and your heaven baby friends. I love you.

How do you feel about this?

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Posted in Life, The 5th Belongs to Calvin, We Remember

Tagged BBC, blms, friends, GBJ, hope, remembering

“Because Grief is As Real as Love”

Posted on August 2, 2011 by Crystal Theresa| 8 Comments

The title of this piece is from the In Mourning Band™ Campaign. Louie and I wear these bands for our babies.

Because grief is as real as love, I mourn.
I mourn my babies
by saying the same things over and over,
by finding different ways to say these things again and again:

I hear them with each step I take—
I love them in the rising.
I miss them in the falling.
I want them in the touching down.

I feel them in my breath—
I love them at the inhale.
I miss them at the pause.
I want them at the exhale.

This is nothing new. My blood flows to this cadence:
I love them. break. I miss them. break. I want them. break.

I wear my grief–
I carry it around my neck and above my heart.

It adorns my eyes, my lips,
—It wears on me with each micro-nano-milli-moment that passes without them.

How do you feel about this?