Knowing Him

During Easter Mass yesterday, as with every Mass, I find myself crying after taking Communion, while I’m kneeling in prayer. Lately, it feels like church is the only place where the tears flow freely, where the awareness of the rising in my throat is not accompanied with an urge to stop it. Yesterday, I realized it was because I know Jesus understands my pain and is okay with me being unable to carry my burdens with strength unwavering.

I started coming to full realization of how much Jesus went through on Palm Sunday. Yes, I’ve watched The Passion. I’ve been involved in the Passion play at my church. I have seen the Stations of the Cross. Palm Sunday, however, was the first time that the Word, by itself, without the visual impact, brought me to tears. Since losing my babies, I could finally related to what Christ was feeling as He prayed and sweat blood, asking, pleading with God, but only if it was the Father’s will. How I prayed and prayed for Calvin to be saved, for Rainbow to live, knowing that it was not His plan. And after being let down and disappointed by friends and family, I could understand the hurt that Jesus must have felt as He looked to the Apostles for support, but found them sleeping. For the first time, I felt connected to Jesus’s agony, and it didn’t seem so distant anymore. It began with the Responsorial Psalm: My God, My God, why have you abandoned me? and continued through the readings. I know that pain. I know what it is like to hurt so badly, that you question whether God has forgotten you.

But this was all part of God’s plan: Jesus went through all of that for me, for my babies, to ensure that we would gain eternal life and never be separated again. I don’t know that I could have come to know Him as intimately as I do if it weren’t for Calvin and Rainbow. Maybe that is part of His plan for me?

Hope in His Promise

This picture was taken during lunch after Mass yesterday. For any of you super geeks out there (I married one), you may recognize the symbols we are wearing. It’s the symbol of the Blue Lanterns’ power rings, which are fueled by the emotion hope (there are different colored lanterns, with different symbols, that are fueled by other emotions). I also love their oath (which they use to recharge):

In fearful day, in raging night,
With strong hearts full, our souls ignite,
When all seems lost in the War of Light,
Look to the stars For hope burns bright!

Isn’t that just awesome? I thought it was fitting for Easter, so I went ahead and “geeked out” with Louie in celebration of Christ’s resurrection and the promise it brings — especially that of seeing Calvin and Rainbow again.

Sharing in the Joy

Today, I also wanted to announce the official launch of Calvin’s Cupcakes! Last month, on Calvin’s birthday, I shared that Calvin’s Cupcakes would be coming soon on this post. There are already several cupcakes up on the site, because we started making cupcakes and sending them out as I was getting the site up and as we were waiting for today to officially launch. We did not want to miss any birthdays.

We are so happy to be able to do this in honor of our sweet boy and in celebration of all those beautiful children who have their birthday parties in Heaven and know the joys of being in His presence. Please feel free to grab the site button and share Calvin’s Cupcakes with others.

Happy 13 months in Heaven, Calvin Phoenix! Thank you for the hope you have brought into Mommy and Daddy’s lives, and the ways in which we have been inspired by you. We love you so much.

For this The 5th Belongs to Calvin and in celebration of his first birthday in Heaven, I am happy to announce that Calvin’s Cupcakes will be opening soon. It is a way for my sweet boy, my loving husband, and I to share in the celebration of the birthdays of those little ones who are blowing out their candles in Heaven.

Here is Calvin’s 1st birthday cupcake:

I also want to take a moment to thank you for your prayers, thoughts, and sweet notes to me and Louie, and especially for the beautiful messages you have written to Calvin Phoenix at Kisses for Calvin. It means so much to us. Your support is doing amazing things in lifting us up during a time that is bittersweet. And I’m sure Calvin is so excited to receive them, as it is his very first birthday.

Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven, Calvin Phoenix!

Thank you for all that you’ve taught me and your daddy. Thank you for the ways in which you have softened our hearts and drawn us closer to each other and to God. Thank for the blessing that you are to us and the people who love you.

I love you, baby bunny. You will always, always be in my heart.

On December 6, 2009, a friend of ours, Abe took pictures of me, Louie, Calvin, and Rainbow (though he didn’t know I was pregnant with Rainbow when he took them) for a digital photography class project. He wanted to share our story.

After some apprehension of being made vulnerable, Louie and I decided that, yes, we would do it. It was important to have Calvin’s life recognize and to help others to understand that this loss is so much more profound than the silence around pregnancy loss would have some people believe. And if losing Calvin can touch others in any way – whether it be providing others with insight to the grief of losing a child or letting someone else know that she or he is not alone – it makes the pain of being without him just a little bit more bearable.

Thank you so much, Abe, for being so willing to take on a painful story, for honoring our son, and for acknowledging our grief. This video means a lot to me and Louie.

These pictures were actually taken just four days before I started miscarrying our Rainbow baby, and it means so much for me to have these pictures — this is the closest we can get to having family pictures this side of Heaven. I love that through Calvin’s story we are able to have these images and remember not only our firstborn, but also our second baby in heaven.

Happy 11 Months in Heaven, my sweet little boy. I miss you so much, Calvin. I hope you and Rainbow are having fun in Heaven as you watch over Mommy and Daddy.

I don’t want to be a Scrooge-y Mommy

I’ve been meaning to post that greeting on my blog, since I don’t have all of your email addresses, and some of you I know only through BBC (no, not the British channel), and/or blogland. So first, I want to apologize for the lateness of this greeting reaching you. The holidays and the recent loss of our Rainbow babe brought such a heavy sadness that I needed to cocoon myself for a while and nurse my grieving heart. It has been difficult to say “Merry Christmas” and “Happy New Year,” much less say it with sincerity. That’s because I’d forgotten that my children (though not with me and their daddy) were celebrating in Heaven. And since I know they are watching over me, I don’t want them to think their momma is a scrooge!

I have yet to reply to your comments, emails, and prayers over the past few weeks, but please know that the gratitude I have – that Louie and I both have – for the ways you have lifted us up and kept us afloat, runs deep. Thank you for so much for keeping us in your thoughts and remembering us and our babies. Please try to be patient with me as I catch my breath and re-adjust to the light, and forgive my holiday hiatus.

“Blessed to be broken by this brokenhearted love”

In attempt to express the intertwining of grief and gratitude and love that I was feeling, I tried writing a song for Calvin. That line up there was one that immediately came to my lips. After Calvin died, I lost pieces of myself that I will never get back. That’s part of losing a child (of losing both of my babies); it’s a part of any loss. I won’t “get over” this. I can’t be “fixed.” I was broken by loss. I was broken by love. And I still am.

But in this brokenness, I am also blessed. I am blessed to know what it feels like to carry life inside me and speak the secret language of creation that happens between a mother and her child. I am blessed to know love so deep that the wounds of grief will never scar. I am blessed to know that my tender heart can love just as fiercely and break all over again for my next baby. Some of you, I’ve found through the shared experience of baby loss; others have shared of yourself as I’ve bared by my tears and anger and helplessness; all of you have blessed me. So that is why I’ve re-titling this blog to Fragments: Blessed to Be Broken. That is who I am right now, and I’m okay with that.

And in case you were wondering, I never did place that lyric. For now it’s just a fragment, but that’s okay, too.

Happy 10 months in Heaven, Calvin Phoenix! Thank you for helping Mommy realize that though losing you has left me broken, I am completely blessed by your life.

The Calvin Phoenix Photo Project
Photo of the Month: CalvinE and Crystal Hill

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These photos were taken by Louie’s cousins, Abby, Irene, and Alyssa. There is a street called Calvine in Sacramento, and they kept driving around until they could find an intersection at which they could take a picture. They ended up at Calvine and Crystal Hill. . Thanks so much for these pictures, cousins!

If you would like to contribute a picture for Calvin Phoenix, please read about the Calvin Phoenix Photo Project.

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The Space Between Us

In this The 5th Belong to Calvin post, I want to speak of what it’s like for me to be Mommy to a child who lives in Heaven. One of the most painful things about losing Calvin is losing the chance to parent him, to change his diapers, to help him take his first steps, to rock him to sleep, and blow raspberries on his tummy. What some don’t realize is that losing Calvin includes losing part of myself, losing part of Louie; it includes the loss of our hopes and dreams for him; it includes the loss of the future we had planned; and it also includes the loss of parenthood in a way that leaves my arms empty and aching.

In those first nights after coming home from the hospital with a memory box instead of my baby in my arms, the only way I could find peace enough to sleep through the tears was by leaving a space between me and Louie. That space belonged to Calvin. It was our way of letting him know that even though he was free to view the wonders of God’s creation, that his home is in Heaven, he still had a place here on earth. I’m sure it was more for us than for him, to feel like we could do something for our son, even when we couldn’t physically touch him. And in those moments between crying and sleep, I felt his presence and was able to find comfort and rest.

It may seem weird, at first, to hear that Calvin has created a space between me and Louie. But he is the perfect expression of our love. He is both a part of me and a part of Louie and connects us in the most powerful of ways. I feel so blessed by this.

Happy 9 months in Heaven, my sweet Calvin Phoenix! Mommy and Daddy miss you so much, and we love you more than ever.

Halloween

This year, I was determined to carve a pumpkin, because I’ve never done it before, and I wanted to do so for Calvin and for me. Maybe I tried it once a long time ago, but that memory is very vague. After checking Walgreens (because it was nearby), going to Safeway where they were sold out, we finally found pumpkins at Lucky’s. Vic (roomie), Louie (husby), and I picked out our orange canvases, grabbed some carving kits, and found some candles.

Not bad for first timers, huh?

I made the Phoenix for Calvin, because even though I will never get the chance to dress him up for Halloween in this lifetime, I can still show him how much he inspires me. How else could I have carved such a design, were it not for my sweet boy? So, though, it may not have been the best Halloween (nothing will be the “best” until my family is complete again), but it wasn’t bad. And yes, that’s a good thing. And yes, that’s enough.

And speaking of Calvin being my inspiration…

I thought the 5th would be an appropriate time to officially announce the launch of my site:

I know some of you have already seen it through my one of my late night Tweets. What I haven’t really shared, is that my son inspired me to start creating these (which I’m debuting here on my blog):

These resin pendants were handmade by yours truly using prints of some of my paintings. And today, on Calvin’s special day, I’m throwing in a special treat. (See the connections? Halloween? Treat? Treat rhymes with Tweet?) I want to share my son with by sharing these necklaces, so if you would like one of them, all you have to do is just leave a comment on this blog post (not on Facebook!), and I will randomly choose a winner who will get his/her choice of necklace.

Happy 8 months in Heaven, my sweet Calvin Phoenix! Thank you for being the fire in my heart. I hope that mommy makes you proud.