Today is not my first Mothers Day… I became a mother four years ago, on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, when I saw two lines that changed me forever. When I delivered my first baby, stillborn at 18 weeks, then held his small body in my arms, I was still his mother. When I left the hospital with a memory box instead of my first child, when I bought him an urn, then weeks later picked up his ashes to bring home, I was still his mother.
On my first Mother’s day, I had one baby in heaven: Calvin.
On my second Mother’s Day, I had two babies in heaven: Calvin and Rainbow.
On my third Mother’s Day, I had three babies in heaven: Calvin, Rainbow, and Gaelen.
Today is my fourth Mothers Day, and today I am blessed to be able to say that I have four children: Calvin, Rainbow, and Gaelen in heaven, and Charlie who is living in my womb.
Today isn’t my first Mother’s Day, but for the first time, I can spend it not only remembering the babies I was honored to carry for their short lives, but also looking forward to raising their baby brother on this earth. For that I am grateful.

I met Louie in high school. More specifically, I met him in our honors English classroom, during our first year of high school. I first noticed him when we were presenting our summer projects, and he shared a drawing of someone getting bullied in a playground. A few years after I graduated, the state took over the school because of poor performance. Then, a couple of years ago, the city decided to close it and move the middle school into the space. Weird and sad. (Photo credit:
Four:
I recently noticed my first stretch mark on my belly. It looks like the number four. I tried to take a picture with my phone; it didn’t turn out so well, but I think you can kind of see it. When I asked Louie if my stretch mark (on my actual belly, not in the photo) looked like a four after he got home, he said, Yes. I think it’s pretty cool: a 4 for my four babies.
Yes. The first time was for my senior prom. It was kind of cool riding with friends, but it did cut our time at the actual prom short. The second time was from my parents’ house to the church for my wedding; my mom insisted. Here’s a cool picture of the limo driver taken by the very talented 
Dear Calvin,















