Category Archives: Rainbow Baby

The 5th Belongs to Calvin: International Bereaved Mothers Day – I choose to live and to honor you

Posted on May 5, 2013 by Crystal Theresa| Leave a comment
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This month, the 5th is special for several reasons:

  • this is Calvin’s 50th month in heaven (that actually makes me want to cry, knowing how long it’s been since I’ve held him),
  • it is International Bereaved Mothers Day, and
  • it is the 1 year anniversary of Still Standing Magazine and the heavenly birthday of Fran’s (the magazine’s founder) daughter Jenna Belle

So, inspired by my Calvin, Rainbow, and Gaelen in heaven, in sisterhood with all of my fellow bereaved and infertile mothers, and in honor of all of the babies we’re missing, I created this card to share a small piece of what being a babyloss momma has come to mean to me:

International Bereaved Mother's Day / I am still standing

It was not my choice to survive without you… So I choose to live and to honor you. I am still standing. (Crystal Theresa Zapanta)

Please feel free to tag yourself and your loved ones and to share this via the photo on Facebook. You may also use this image on your own site/blog using the code below (please do not alter the image):


Dear Calvin, I love you so much my heart could burst. Though it’s been 50 long months since I last held you, sweet boy, I need to remember that it just means I’m 50 months much closer to heaven. I chose life for you, my son, and I continue to choose life for our family by honoring you and your sisters and by fully embracing this time on earth with your daddy and your baby brother, even as I ache for you.

<3, Crystal Theresa

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Posted in Design, Gaelen Evangeline, Rainbow Baby, The 5th Belongs to Calvin, We Remember

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The 5th Belongs to Calvin: The latest I’ve ever been

Posted on November 24, 2012 by Crystal Theresa| Leave a comment
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I have been writing this post in my head for weeks. It’s been on my mind since before November 5th, yet here I am, almost at the end of the month and finally getting the words down and planning to finally click the “Publish” button. It’s not that I forgot. Quite the opposite. November is a milestone month for me. It’s when I found out I was pregnant with Calvin. It’s when I found out I was pregnant with Rainbow. It should have been the month Gaelen was born, had she made it to term.

My heaven babies occupy my heart in the same way that my earth baby does. But Charlie was sick, fussy, and not sleeping well, and the rest of life and adjusting to returning to work all happened. And as much as November and the 5th and Calvin and Rainbow and Gaelen were in my thoughts, it’s just now that I have the time and wakefulness to come to this space and post. A part of me feels guilty, but another part of me has become more and more aware of this reality: mourning is for me, not for Calvin, not for Rainbow, not for Gaelen. It’s my way of processing the the grief, of trying to integrate the loss of my babies into my life. After over three years since losing my first child, it is a part of my everyday; and my mourning has changed. So perhaps it’s time for me to approach the 5th in a different way. It’s something I need to think about.

For this month’s post, I do want to share these images of my babies:

Painting of Calvin, Rainbow, Gaelen, kites, and dogs in the clouds

Louie and I started working on it a while ago. He painted most of it, including our babies and his pet dogs that died. I painted some of the clouds and kites. The balloon with a tag represents the balloon release we did for Calvin. He’s reaching for it in the painting, so he can give it to Gaelen, who’s reaching up for it, while Rainbow is enjoying a butterfly kite.

Charlie in a bodysuit that reads "Little Brother"And here is a photo of Charlie, who amazes me everyday, and who also makes wonder what it could be like to have all of my children together. His shirt says “Little Brother,” and I hope that when he’s older, maybe it will mean as much to him to own it as it does to me seeing him wear it.

Dearest Calvin, Happy (over) 44 months in Heaven. With each day, Mommy and Daddy love you and your siblings more and more. I know there are parts of you and your sisters in Charlie, and I am so grateful to be able to hold him in my arms the way I wish to hold you, Rainbow, and Gaelen. Someday, baby boy, Mommy and Daddy will squish all four of you between us.

<3, Crystal Theresa

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Posted in Bumble Bee, Calvin Phoenix, Family, Gaelen Evangeline, Parenting, Rainbow Baby, The 5th Belongs to Calvin

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Day 6: What Not to Say (Capture Your Grief)

Posted on October 6, 2012 by Crystal Theresa| Leave a comment
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20121006-163120.jpg

  • They’re in a better place: as a parent, it’s hard to accept that there is a better place for my child than with me, and even though I know being with God is the best place, it won’t stop my longing.
  • Anything that begins with At least is probably more hurtful than helpful, undermines my loss, and doesn’t change how painful it is to lose a baby.
  • You’re still young: What does age have to do with my grief? It doesn’t diminish my pain in any way. It does make my reunion with my dead babies seem that much further away.
  • God needed another angel: Even if I believed my babies turned into angels (who I believe are separate creations from humans), if He needed another angel, there is no reason why God could not create one instead of taking three of my babies. All I feel is the loss of not having them with me.
  • You’re baby wasn’t even a baby yet: This was said to me about Calvin by a counselor in the OB department after I said he was 18 weeks when we lost him. One of the worst things I’ve heard. She doesn’t work there anymore.
  • Be strong: Allow me to be weak in my grief; my world was just shattered.
  • Life goes on: And this is supposed to help me how? I watch the world and everyone else continue living, when all I want is for time to pause, for it to allow me to go back and linger (even for just one more moment) in the spaces when I still had Calvin, had Rainbow, had Gaelen.
  • You’re lucky you have your own guardian angels: Please don’t apply “lucky” to the loss of my babies. Would you trade your living children so you could have guardians in heaven?
  • Just try again: Each of my babies are individually loved and wanted. They are not inanimate objects that can just be replaced.
  • It wasn’t meant to be: If my heaven babies weren’t meant to “be,” why did they come into “being” in my womb? Obviously they were “meant” to die because they are dead. Stating it does not bring me comfort. It doesn’t change the anguish of losing them.
  • There are worse things: Maybe for you. Definitely not for me.
<3, Crystal Theresa

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Posted in Calvin Phoenix, Capturing Grief, Gaelen Evangeline, Grief, Photos, Rainbow Baby

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The 5th Belongs to Calvin: Capturing Grief

Posted on October 5, 2012 by Crystal Theresa| Leave a comment
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Today, I want to share a photo-a-day project I’m participating in called “Capture Your Grief,” which was created by Carly Marie, an amazing force in the babyloss community. It provides a way for bereaved families to process and share their grief during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month (click the image to read more):

Project Heal: Capture Your Grief

I’m not on an actual computer much these days, because my grateful arms are filled with my earth baby, I decided to participate primarily via Instagram, which you can also see in my right sidebar and via FollowGram or CopyGram. At least for Calvin’s day (and hopefully more), I’m sharing today’s subject, “Memorial,” in this space, my babies’ space:

March of Dimes shirt: Remembering Calvin, Rainbow, and Gaelen

Day 5: Memorial (April 2011). After our losses, we decided we would start participating in the March of Dimes walk in honor of our babies. Louie created this design, which we printed onto iron-on paper. I love seeing their names together.

My sweet Calvin, I think of you and your sisters everyday. I can’t believe how long it’s been without you. I will always long for you and Rainbow and Gaelen, but I’m grateful to have your baby brother—I know I see glimpses of you in Charlie. We love you so much. We love you always. Happy 3 years and 7 months in heaven, my firstborn.

<3, Crystal Theresa
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Posted in Calvin Phoenix, Capturing Grief, Gaelen Evangeline, Grief, Photos, Projects, Rainbow Baby, The 5th Belongs to Calvin, We Remember

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