On December 6, 2009, a friend of ours, Abe took pictures of me, Louie, Calvin, and Rainbow (though he didn’t know I was pregnant with Rainbow when he took them) for a digital photography class project. He wanted to share our story.

After some apprehension of being made vulnerable, Louie and I decided that, yes, we would do it. It was important to have Calvin’s life recognize and to help others to understand that this loss is so much more profound than the silence around pregnancy loss would have some people believe. And if losing Calvin can touch others in any way – whether it be providing others with insight to the grief of losing a child or letting someone else know that she or he is not alone – it makes the pain of being without him just a little bit more bearable.

Thank you so much, Abe, for being so willing to take on a painful story, for honoring our son, and for acknowledging our grief. This video means a lot to me and Louie.

These pictures were actually taken just four days before I started miscarrying our Rainbow baby, and it means so much for me to have these pictures — this is the closest we can get to having family pictures this side of Heaven. I love that through Calvin’s story we are able to have these images and remember not only our firstborn, but also our second baby in heaven.

Happy 11 Months in Heaven, my sweet little boy. I miss you so much, Calvin. I hope you and Rainbow are having fun in Heaven as you watch over Mommy and Daddy.

Thank you, Lynette!

Sweet Lynnette from Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground and Lynnette Kraft Photography edited this photo for me. She evened out the exposure, softened the image, and cropped it.

Although the original quality of the picture was not that great, she worked and worked on it, because she knows how precious and dear this photograph is to me and Louie, who took the picture with a disposable camera, at night, in a room with not-so-great lighting. That camera means so much to us, though, because our nurse, Peggy, went and found it for us, thus giving us the opportunity to take pictures with our sweet little boy. Without it, without the time in that dimly it room, we wouldn’t have any photos of Calvin with his mommy and daddy.

Thank you, again, Lynnette! It was such a sweet surprise to find this picture in my inbox after we had worries that you couldn’t really do much with it.

Thank you, husby!

As I was rushing to my chiropractic appointment, beads of sweat on my forehead and along my hairline from fast-walking from Van Ness Station because I missed the N by a stoplight, I saw my husband standing outside of the office. I was running late and I had texted him to “go first please,” but apparently he didn’t listen. So I felt annoyance creeping in, along with a scolding readying itself for launch at the tip of tongue.

Then I noticed he was holding something in his hand. Flowers. He never hardly ever buys me flowers. And as I drew closer, I noticed beautiful deep red orchids and these big, gorgeous leaves. Of course, the annoyance softened as he said, Congratulations, and gave me these flowers wrapped in fuschia and orange tissue paper. This didn’t mean I didn’t ask him why he didn’t go first :P.

You didn’t tell me to go first.
Yes, I did; I texted you.
Oh, I didn’t get it..
Oh okay.

And that was that. ~_^.

Thank You for Waiting for the Necklace Winners!

I’m sorry for this delay. In my last post, A Request, I shared that Louie’s grandma had passed away and asked for your prayers (thank you for that). The past few weeks have been challenging with preparing for the funeral and viewing. Last week was particularly difficult… Last Sunday and Monday (November 15 and 16) were the viewing and funeral for Grandma Floring. Last Wednesday (November 18) was Mama’s (my maternal grandma) six year home-to-heaven anniversary. And last Friday was Tatay’s (Louie’s paternal grandpa) birthday; he went to heaven last year on September 10. This was also the month last year when I got my positive home pregnancy test with Calvin.

With all this aching, though, my heart is full. Full of love and remembering. And to celebrate this, and to thank you for your patience, I have decided to give away all three necklaces! And because I think it may not have been clear when I typed “so if you would like one of them, all you have to do is just leave a comment on thisblog post,” since my blogs feed into Facebook as notes, I’m also including the 2 commenters from there :). Now to put all your names on a piece of paper and make my sleepy husband draw three…

And the winners are…

Holly, Jennay, and Jessy! Please send me your mailing address and rankings for the three necklaces at crystal@calvinphoenix.com.

Tracy, please send me your mailing address, as well. I have something else for you. I know it won’t make up for all the things that got stolen from you, but hopefully it is something you will enjoy.

Thank you everyone for your comments and joining. I’ve decided to make this a monthly giveaway, so if you didn’t win a necklace this time, please check back soon! I would love to give something to each of you, but my hands just can’t work fast enough. Now off to work I go!

Not too long after the day I spent at the beach with Calvin, I came across Melissa’s blog, 2FeetOnEarth1intheStars, and her request for the Calypso Name Project in celebration of her daughter’s 2nd Birthday in Heaven. Knowing how powerful it was to see my son’s name written in such a way, I decided that I would do this for her.

On Mother’s Day of this year – my first Mother’s Day as a mommy (which I wrote about here) – I found comfort and healing in remembering the children of other mothers who, like me, had to say goodbye to their precious little ones much, much sooner than we ever would have wanted.

I’ve been meaning to share these photos and the names of just some of Calvin’s friends. Tonight feels right for it.

I met these babies through their sweet mothers, some of which have blogs of their own, and which are linked below. If you feel so moved, please visit their sites.

Asher Joseph and Isaac Matthew

Waiting for Happy

Austin

Shannon Elizabeth

Remembering Shannon Elizabeth

Brenham Jay

When Hello Means Goodbye

Brenna

Living Without Brenna

Calypso

2 Feet on Earth 1 in the Stars

Celina Denise

Chris

Dylan Robert and Kylan Aaron

Emma

Gavin

Isaac Timothy

He Will Carry Me

Mackenzie

Olive Lucy

clownbaby

Nevaeh Rebecka-Lynn

River

Rufio

Samuel, Josiah, and Anna

Dancing Barefoot… on Weathered Ground

Sara

To the mothers who see their babies’ names here, if you would like the high resolution photo, please let me know at crystal[at]louielovescrystal[dot]com so I can send it to you.