Category Archives: Self-Discovery

Mommy-ing an Earth Baby

Share

charlie standingThe deeper into mommyhood I get, the more I worry that I don’t really know what I’m doing. I’m sure of only two things:
(1) I love him so much that at times it’s overwhelming, and
(2) he makes me want to be so much better than I am.
(Posted via Instagram)

<3, Crystal Theresa

30 answers for 30 years

Share

This past Sunday was my 30th birthday. It wasn’t until last week when Louie I were talking about my birthday and he mentioned The big 3-0 that I realized how old I was turning. My response was, Nooo… I’m not turning 30, yet. Wait. I am. Really???

I remember when 30 seemed old and far away. But here it is. Here I am. And in a lot of ways, I think I was right. I definitely feel much older and much, much further away from the world I used to live in. I can say this: Even though I am in a different place than where I thought I would be even five years ago, I am blessed and I am grateful for this life.

30 ways to know me better

For my birthday, I decided that I would do one of those 30-questions memes. I figured it would be a great way to reflect, remember, document, and commiserate.

  1. Name someone with the same birthday as you.
    Grace Elizabeth, who turned two today and is the adopted rainbow daughter of two amazing friends.
  2. What has been your favorite age so far?
    I guess I would have to say 29. That was the age that brought me two more children, Gaelen and Charlie and grew our family of four to a family of six. It’s also when Louie and I took our honeymoon to Kaua’i (I still need to blog about that trip!), and when I became a full-time employee at WestEd, where I get to do non-profit work in education and tech for a great company.
  3. Where did you meet your husband?
    Hogan High School Spartans logoI met Louie in high school. More specifically, I met him in our honors English classroom, during our first year of high school. I first noticed him when we were presenting our summer projects, and he shared a drawing of someone getting bullied in a playground. A few years after I graduated, the state took over the school because of poor performance. Then, a couple of years ago, the city decided to close it and move the middle school into the space. Weird and sad. (Photo credit: Hogan High School FB page)
  4. How many children do you have?
    My three in heaven and one in my bellyFour: Calvin (who will be celebrating his 3rd heavenly birthday next week), Rainbow (who will be celebrating her second heaven day in December), Gaelen (who will be celebrating her first heaven day at the end of this month), and Charlie (who is due to make his entrance on June 4).
    I call this picture Mommy’s Eye View because I can “see” Calvin, Rainbow, and Gaelen, who I am carrying in my heart, and Charlie, who I am carrying in my belly.
  5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people?
    In a group? Many a time (church, birthdays, etc.). By myself? Just once at Louie’s grandmother’s viewing, and it was hard; my voice was shaking as I tried not to cry.
  6. What’s the first thing you notice about your preferred sex?
    I’m a sucker for smiles :D .
  7. What really turns you off?
    Statements that are self-righteous and judgemental. And really bad BO.
  8. What do you order at Starbucks?
    I don’t frequent it much these days, but the drinks I used to order enjoy were: Soy Chai Latte, Caramel Apple Cider, Pumpkin Spice Latte, and Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte. I think the last thing I got from there was the oatmeal.
  9. What is your biggest mistake?
    This would have to be not letting our families see and hold Calvin after I delivered him. You can read more about that in R is for Regrets.
  10. As a child, what did you want to grow up to be?
    Hmmm… this list includes singer, pediatrician, marine biologist, actor, chef, writer, artist, and mommy.
  11. Say something totally random about yourself.
    Belly stretchmark that looks like a "4"I recently noticed my first stretch mark on my belly. It looks like the number four. I tried to take a picture with my phone; it didn’t turn out so well, but I think you can kind of see it. When I asked Louie if my stretch mark (on my actual belly, not in the photo) looked like a four after he got home, he said, Yes. I think it’s pretty cool: a 4 for my four babies.
  12. Do you still watch kiddie movies or TV shows?
    Yes. And I’ve found that a lot of “kiddie” movies touch on adult themes and have grown-up jokes, which I never noticed when I was younger.
  13. Did you have braces?
    Yes, I did. I got them in 9th grade, I think, and got them off just in time for my high school senior pictures.
  14. Favorite Social Network?
    Right now, I would have to say Pinterest and Instagram even though I’m not as active on them. Path will probably become a fave once more of my peeps are on it.
  15. What is the most romantic thing someone of the preferred sex has done for you?
    I can’t really pick “the” most romantic thing. So I will share a recent romantic something: one rainy day after work, Louie IM’ed me to tell let me know to come down because he was there. When I walked out the door, he was standing there with an umbrella so he could walk me to the car. I love simple gestures of sweetness like that.
  16. When do you know when it’s love?
    Honestly, I know when it’s love after it’s already happened. Is that weird?
  17. Do you speak any other languages?
    I speak broken Tagalog (lost my fluency after moving back to the United States). I also used to be able to speak passable French. Does web jargon count?
  18. Have you ever been to a tanning salon?
    No. Those things scare me.
  19. What magazines do you read?
    I don’t really. When I was younger, I used to subscribe to “Jane” and “YM.” Once in a while, I’ll pick up a fiction magazine or a copy of “Real Simple.”
  20. What is playing on your iPod right now?
    That’s All I Ask of You by Raphael Saadiq was the last thing playing on the iPod on our way home from my doctor’s appointment.
  21. Have you ever ridden in a limo?
    Limo driver and limo by Ed PingolYes. The first time was for my senior prom. It was kind of cool riding with friends, but it did cut our time at the actual prom short. The second time was from my parents’ house to the church for my wedding; my mom insisted. Here’s a cool picture of the limo driver taken by the very talented Ed Pingol.
  22. Has anyone you were really close to passed away?
    Yes: my babies, who were growing in my body, and my maternal grandmother, who helped raise me.
  23. Do you watch MTV?
    Not since they stopped showing music videos regularly. Plus we don’t have cable.
  24. What’s something that really annoys you?
    When people patronize me and don’t speak to me like I’m an adult.
  25. Which television show you were sad to say goodbye to?
    I think it has to be a tie between Felicity and Firefly, though most of my watching of these series was via DVD.
  26. Can you dance?
    I’d like to think so—at least well enough to enjoy myself while doing it!
  27. What’s your favorite place in the world?
    I haven’t done much travelling, but the first place that comes to mind is Kaua’i.
    Poipu Beach, Kauai, HI
  28. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
    No, but families members have been. Once, when Louie’s grandmother was being taken to the hospital, we somehow ended up behind the ambulance on the way there. We could see her through the back window.
  29. If you could meet anyone (dead or alive) who would it be?
    My heaven babies.
  30. If you could change one thing in the world for your child, what would it be?
    For my heaven babies, I want baby loss to be something that is more openly acknowledge and discussed and for their short but precious lives to be honored even by those who haven’t experienced a similar type of bereavement. For my earth baby, Charlie (please, be my earth baby), I would like him to experience compassion and generosity of heart from the people he encounters.
<3, Crystal Theresa

A Thank You Giveaway

Share

I recently noticed that my Google Friend Connect widget (see “stay in touch” over in the left sidebar) has reached 50. Yes this isn’t a lot, but I still remember the days when that number read “0,” when I was still in the early days of grief and reaching out to find someone–anyone–who knew what I was going through or who could empathize. This space became a safe place to mourn, to honor my babies (yes, there are places that are not “safe” to do this), to connect with others, and to start to reclaim myself. I am grateful to have 50 someones who are listening and bearing witness to this journey.

So I want to say thank you for being here.

50 followers giveaway

I want to give the following items, pictured above, as my way of showing my appreciation to one of my readers:

  • Your choice of a mini canvas bag: Louie and I went to Hawaii in May (as an anniversary trip and a late honeymoon and a getaway after we said goodbye to our third baby). On our 12 year anniversary of being “official”–because that’s how it works in high school right?–we went to mass at the oldest Catholic church on Kauai, St. Raphael’s. I stopped by the gift shop and found these two bags. The winner can choose either the “Rejoice” butterfly bag or the Lord’s Prayer bag, which has a boy and a girl angel praying on either side.
  • 15% Promo Discount Card forBeyond Words Designs: Beyond Words Designs is owned by Stephanie Dyer and is the legacy of her daughter Amelia Rose, who was stillborn last March. Stephanie creates beautiful custom paintings; if aren’t familiar with her work, I suggest you visit her site and check it out.
  • Angel keychain: The n is hidden behind the a in the photo, but this keychain has the letters “A-N-G-E-L.”
  • Recycled crayons: I had a bunch of crayons leftover from our wedding (we had coloring pages for the kids) and finally decided that I wanted to “consolidate” them. I melted them down into metal cookie cutters. I didn’t take a picture on the other side of the crayons, but they are different. Quick tip: the best way to do it is to use a double-boiler method then poor the crayons into the mold/cookie cutters on wax paper laid out on a cookie sheet.

Here are the ways to enter:

If you are one of my Google Friend Connect friends (you can join using the widget on the left if you’re currently a reader incognito), please leave a comment below sharing how you found my blog and/or a question you’d like to ask me, as well as your preference for the canvas bag.

To gain additional entries, you can:

For each additional entry, please leave another comment; this is the best way for me to make sure all your entries count. I will randomly choose the winner on July 31st.

Thank you again for being here to share in our story.

<3, Crystal Theresa

What Makes You Grateful?

Share

Especially in the early days of grieving, it’s difficult to find things for which to be grateful. That’s why any statement that begins with At least… can induce fits of rage, tears, and cursing (and sometimes all of the above). In my experience, it’s much better to allow us to arrive at this place of being able to feel gratitude, rather than trying to force us to see all the good that we still have around us. By giving us space to reflect at our own pace and in our own time, it becomes easier to recognize our blessings without disregarding our heartache.

Since the loss of my children the one thing I am most grateful for is Louie.

Louie in HawaiiThis is Louie in Kauai—where we finally went on our honeymoon this year.

I don’t even know how to begin to articulate just how thankful I am to have him as my partner, as my best friend, as the father of my children. He makes me a better person. He makes me want to be a better person. I love the way he loves me, but even more so, the way he loves our babies. And I’m grateful that he will drop everything and hold me when I’m crying for them. I’m grateful that he knows how to make me laugh, that he forgives me when I hurt him, that he indulges my quirkiness, that he washes the dishes and does the laundry, and that he tells me I’m the best cook he knows. Our marriage is stronger after losing Calvin, Rainbow, and Gaelen, and I no longer doubt how long us will be us. I sometimes refer to him as my homie-lover-friend (does that make me sound dated?), and I guess that is the most ridiculously simple way of describing our relationship, but maybe it’s enough. He is enough.

I know now that before my loss I took the ability to get pregnant and to bear living children for granted.

When I was younger, I used to think about the size of my future family. I wanted four kids: two girls and two boys, and I wanted them to be around 2-3 years apart. I thought an only child would be lonely and that I couldn’t just have one of each because they would need someone to relate to and that three would create an unfair balance because two would gang up on one. Apparently I thought that far into it. But I never stopped to think What if I can’t have children? or What if my children die?

This is the chart from the cycle that brought me Gaelen, my birthday surprise.

After losing three babies, after spending over a year trying between Rainbow and Gaelen, and especially after learning that my window of fertility has been shortened because of my low ovarian reserve, I have thrown out the concept of family planning. It’s more like hoping, praying, and waiting to see what God will allow. Pregnancy truly is a miracle. (To really appreciate what it takes to make a baby, I suggest you watch The Great Sperm Race and An Everyday Miracle, but be forewarned that they can be graphic at times.) And even if I am so lucky to conceive, it doesn’t mean I will get a baby to keep.

From now on I will make sure to recognize writing, art, and faith in my life and their importance to me.

Violin line drawingThis drawing is 8 years old and feels like a-totally-different-person ago.

In my Where I Am piece, I wrote of how my babies have inspired me to find myself again. They’ve given me the conviction to seek a place where I am happy with who I am and where I’m doing the things about which I’m passionate. I’m no longer willing to compromise on this. Calvin, Rainbow, and Gaelen remind me how much writing, art, and my faith really do sustain me. Because of them I am writing again, I am creating again, and I feel God’s grace more strongly. That is such a beautiful gift. And I have no intention of letting these go as I’ve done in the past.


This post is in response to The Dead Baby Club‘s featured question: What makes you grateful? The prompt is: Since the loss of my child(ren) the one thing I am most grateful for is…? I know now that before my loss I took … for granted? From now on I will make sure to recognize … in my life and it’s importance to me? Will you link up and join us?

<3, Crystal Theresa

Blog Widget by LinkWithin