Category Archives: Pregnancy

His name is Charlie (A pregnancy update)

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It’s been a long time since I’ve updated specifically about Bumble Bee, who, as you must have gathered from the title of this post is a boy. We’ve named him Charlie. And there will be ultrasound photos at the end of this post.

When we found out we were having another boy

About a week after I wrote to Calvin about being the furthest along I’d ever been, we had our anatomy scan. It was so amazing to see how much Bumble Bee had grown and to watch him move and stretch and yawn.

This was also when we found out we were having another little boy. It was a bittersweet moment, because I was brought back to the ultrasound with Calvin when we should have found out he was a boy, but instead found out we had lost him. From what other babyloss mommas have said, I expected that being pregnant again would bring up the grief of losing our other babies, and I’ve been navigating that along with the joy, excitement, and fears of carrying another life. That being said, I feel like I need to add: Charlie will not replace Calvin (or Rainbow or Gaelen), nor will he live in Calvin’s (or Rainbow’s or Gaelen’s) shadow. Each of my children have carved their own space in my heart.

We agreed on the name Charlie over lunch at Mel’s Diner after our appointment. I don’t remember what we ate. Or what we were wearing. Just that out of all of the boy names we mentioned, Charlie was the name that felt right.

Bilateral Choroid Plexus Cysts and prayer requests

When we talked to my OB about the ultrasound results, we were told that our baby had bilateral choroid plexus cysts (CPCs). Something new that I’d never heard about; something new to cause fears and worry. The choroid plexus is part of the brain where cerebrospinal fluid is created. The doctor told us that these usually resolve on their own, that he isn’t too worried, and he assured us that there were no other abnormalities. Of course, I had to do my own research. CPCs are fairly common and seen in about 1% of ultrasounds. They can be a soft marker for Trisomy 18 and sometimes Down’s Syndrome, and chances increase when other indicators are present. It started to make more sense to me that they spent a lot more time looking at his brain and his heart, and that they really want to get a picture of him with his hand open.

We have a follow up ultrasound this Thursday, February 16. We could really use your prayers, positive energy, good thoughts, and healthy baby vibes. I also have my prenatal appointment tomorrow (Monday) and will be taking the 1-hour glucose screening for the first time and hoping (a) that I don’t throw it up, and (b) that I pass. If you could include tomorrow’s appointment and test, as well, I would appreciate it.

Ultrasound photo time

And because it’s been a while since I’ve shared ultrasound photos, I wanted to show this collage of ultrasound photos. It doesn’t include the NT Scan printouts we got because they were kind of blurry. I’ll probably do another one that includes it after we get our printout on Thursday (trying to keep positive!).

Bumble Bee's 5, 6, 7, 8, and 19 week ultrasounds

Growing a little person is such a miracle. I feel so blessed to have carried my three in heaven and to have Charlie with us now. At the same time, I ache for those who also know what it’s like to lose a baby and for those who are trying to bring a baby home.

<3, Crystal Theresa

The 5th Belongs to Calvin: You made me a mother

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Dear Calvin,

I am the furthest I have ever been in pregnancy, carrying your baby brother or sister. Today, I am 18 weeks and 3 days. I delivered you at 18 weeks and 1 day. Although you did not come out of my womb alive, although you were born two weeks shy of the commonly accepted definition of stillbirth, you were born, silent and loved and wanted. Out of my womb, I delivered you on a Thursday morning, with your daddy by my side and tears spilling from both of our eyes.

We are so grateful to have Bumble Bee growing inside me, but this new baby does not replace you, does not replace Rainbow, does not replace Gaelen. Each pregnancy is it’s own blessing, the creation of a new, separate, and individual soul for us to love and cherish. As I learned of each new life, my heart grew and created a unique space for my next child. And when we lost you and Rainbow and Gaelen, these spaces—your spaces—in my heart remained; they will only be filled when we are all together again.

We pray and hope that baby number four will be born alive and well. We look forward, with cautious optimism, to bringing Bumble Bee home and parenting him or her the way were unable to parent you and your sisters. I know people will look at us and assume Bumble is our first child, our only child, even those who know that I was pregnant three times before. This doesn’t change the fact that it was you, Calvin, who first made me a mother. I will always be grateful for that.

Happy 33 months in heaven, my precious son. I love you so much. I miss you.

Love and kisses to you and your sissies,
Mommy

<3, Crystal Theresa

The 5th Belongs to Calvin: The NT Scan

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Dear Calvin,

On Thursday, I had the NT scan with Bumble Bee. It was at the same place where I had my first ultrasounds with you, where I first saw and heard your heartbeat, where they told me they found amniotic bands during your NT ultrasound, and where the doctor told me that we’d lost you. It was also the same tech from the first ultrasound, and she started your NT scan, as well. I thought about you as I saw your baby sibling on the screen. I noticed the differences in your head shape and size—your head was bigger—and how Bumble Bee’s nose was more upturned than yours. I also noticed the similarities: How you both didn’t want to cooperate with this same tech and how you stretched and refused to turn.

Your baby brother or sister had a normal nuchal translucency measurement, with negative results on the screening. They told us that everything looked good. It was so different from our appointment with you, and as your mommy, it’s hard to not wish things turned out differently for you, that there weren’t amniotic bands threatening you, that the test results came back normal, that you could be here (that you, Rainbow, and Gaelen could be here) waiting to welcome Bumble. I know that’s not possible, but I miss you, all of you.

We love you so much, sweet boy. Happy 33 months in heaven, Calvin Phoenix.

♥ Mommy

<3, Crystal Theresa

The 5th Belongs to Calvin: Always, You Matter

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Dear Calvin,

I had my first prenatal appointment with Bumble Bee on Wednesday. The nurse-midwife asked about my previous pregnancies, and when she heard me call you “he,” she asked what your name was. I told her, “Calvin,” as I cried. Then I thanked her for asking your name. She said, “It matters.”

You will always be my first child, my first baby. You will always matter.
Happy 32 months in heaven, my darling. We miss you everyday.

I love you,
Mommy

<3, Crystal Theresa

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