Category Archives: Pregnancy

40 weeks in and 40 weeks out.

Posted on March 20, 2013 by Crystal Theresa| Leave a comment

(Photo via Instagram)
I'm still so amazed that he's in my life.

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Posted in Bumble Bee, Photos, Pregnancy

Tagged 40 weeks, Charlie, earth rainbow

40 Weeks Closer to My Earth Baby

Posted on June 4, 2012 by Crystal Theresa| 10 Comments

Today, June 4, is Charlie’s due date, and I am still pregnant. Honestly, I was afraid to even hope my body could carry him full term; I didn’t think I could make it through May. But here we are. Here I am feeling utterly blessed and scared at the same time, filled with hope and joy at the life to come and working through the fear of what may or may not happen.

A confession

Charlie's positive HPTs This pregnancy has not been easy. From the fears of an ectopic pregnancy to worries about early miscarriage and dropping progesterone levels to fatal abnormalities to pre-term labor scares and multiple trips to L&D and more recently worries about high blood pressure and pre-eclampsia. This is a painfully difficult thing for me to admit, but there was a time in my first trimester when I was so overwhelmed by terror, especially before ultrasounds, that I would think to myself, “A miscarriage would be easier because then it would be over.” As hard as we tried with all the treatments and lifestyle changes and medication to see the positive pregnancy tests, that is how much my losses and infertility affected my anxiety. It was the fear of more heartache and devastation and the PTSD that comes with multiple losses.

Someone in one of my bereaved parents support groups told us about one of her patients’ mother. She had been pregnant 17 times and lost all of them, a few of which were abortions. This woman had ended her pregnancies because she was so afraid of the loss that she couldn’t handle continuing. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it—How can you try and try and try to conceive and when you finally do, decide to end that precious little life? Though I w\could never willfully end the life of my child and still can’t imagine making that decision, I got a small, terrifying glimpse of what that woman could have been feeling.

Prayer and milestones

I have spent every single day of this pregnancy praying for Charlie, asking God to keep us both healthy so I can deliver him into this world. In every prayer, I thank Him for each of my children and ask Him to allow me to have my earth baby, to be able to birth a living child and raise Charlie with Louie. Since the beginning of this pregnancy, I’ve been listening to guided imagery and affirmations specifically for pregnancy; I cling to the words as I repeat that I trust my body; that my body knows how to take care of me and this baby; that my body is perfectly designed to sustain this new life; that we are held in the hands of God, perfectly safe. It’s not an easy thing to do, not when I feel like I’ve failed three times before.

3D ultrasound of Charlie's face at 31 weeks Once we hit 24 weeks, viability, when doctors would try to save the baby should I go into pre-term labor, it was an amazing milestone. Then there was 28 weeks, then 30 weeks, then 32 weeks, then 34 weeks, then 37 weeks. Each week was a small victory and just a little bit more confidence, despite the spotting and contractions that sent me to the hospital the day before New Year’s Eve, then on Calvin’s 3rd birthday, then the day of my baby shower. At my last appointment, at 39 weeks 3 days, I told my CNM that my big goal was to reach 39 weeks, and she said that it was baby and mommy’s sheer willpower that got us that far. We had a conversation about induction, a consideration that is an odd blessing.

Gratitude and joy

I am so grateful to have reached our estimated due date. Even though it may not seem like it, especially given my earlier confessions, I was and continue to be grateful for every single microsecond that I had/have my sweet fourth baby growing inside my womb.

37 weeks pregnant with Charlie There is joy in this pregnancy, in the stretch marks that began to rise like flames announcing the growing miracle I carry, in the kicks and waves and bumps that let me know my son is alive, in the way my belly has stretched further than I thought possible and cause people to stare (sometimes, when I catch a woman looking, I wonder if she felt I like did seeing a mother round and huge with life as I longed for the babies I lost and for one to to keep). But this joy is quiet, tempered by everything that could go wrong, by everything that has gone wrong. That doesn’t make it any less sweet.

Trust and love

All I can do is trust that God is holding us and that all will (eventually) be well. All I can do is rest in the hope of bringing my sweet Charlie Bastian home and being able to mother him in the ways in which I couldn’t mother his big brother and sisters. I’m also trying to surrender to Charlie’s and my body’s timing for when he makes his entrance into this world and balancing that with when induction might be safer.

Crystal and Louie -- 39 weeks 5 days with Charlie

Mostly, though, I’m trying to remain focused on loving on my precious family: my husband, whose eyes light up when we speak of our future with Charlie and whose tears flow freely when he misses our Calvin, Rainbow, and Gaelen; my babies in heaven, who I’m looking forward to catching glimpses of in their baby brother; and my Charlie Bee who’s been my constant companion for the past 9 months and has taken up permanent residence in my heart right next to his siblings.

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Posted in Bumble Bee, Life, Pregnancy

Tagged 40 weeks, pregnancy after infertility, pregnancy after loss

A different kind of Mothers Day for me

Posted on May 13, 2012 by Crystal Theresa| 1 Comment

Today is not my first Mothers Day… I became a mother four years ago, on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, when I saw two lines that changed me forever. When I delivered my first baby, stillborn at 18 weeks, then held his small body in my arms, I was still his mother. When I left the hospital with a memory box instead of my first child, when I bought him an urn, then weeks later picked up his ashes to bring home, I was still his mother.

On my first Mother’s day, I had one baby in heaven: Calvin.

On my second Mother’s Day, I had two babies in heaven: Calvin and Rainbow.

On my third Mother’s Day, I had three babies in heaven: Calvin, Rainbow, and Gaelen.

Today is my fourth Mothers Day, and today I am blessed to be able to say that I have four children: Calvin, Rainbow, and Gaelen in heaven, and Charlie who is living in my womb.

Today isn’t my first Mother’s Day, but for the first time, I can spend it not only remembering the babies I was honored to carry for their short lives, but also looking forward to raising their baby brother on this earth. For that I am grateful.

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Posted in Bumble Bee, Calvin Phoenix, Gaelen Evangeline, Pregnancy, Rainbow Baby

Tagged mother's day

30 answers for 30 years

Posted on February 28, 2012 by Crystal Theresa| 3 Comments

This past Sunday was my 30th birthday. It wasn’t until last week when Louie I were talking about my birthday and he mentioned The big 3-0 that I realized how old I was turning. My response was, Nooo… I’m not turning 30, yet. Wait. I am. Really???

I remember when 30 seemed old and far away. But here it is. Here I am. And in a lot of ways, I think I was right. I definitely feel much older and much, much further away from the world I used to live in. I can say this: Even though I am in a different place than where I thought I would be even five years ago, I am blessed and I am grateful for this life.

30 ways to know me better

For my birthday, I decided that I would do one of those 30-questions memes. I figured it would be a great way to reflect, remember, document, and commiserate.

Name someone with the same birthday as you.
Grace Elizabeth, who turned two today and is the adopted rainbow daughter of two amazing friends.
What has been your favorite age so far?
I guess I would have to say 29. That was the age that brought me two more children, Gaelen and Charlie and grew our family of four to a family of six. It’s also when Louie and I took our honeymoon to Kaua’i (I still need to blog about that trip!), and when I became a full-time employee at WestEd, where I get to do non-profit work in education and tech for a great company.
Where did you meet your husband?
I met Louie in high school. More specifically, I met him in our honors English classroom, during our first year of high school. I first noticed him when we were presenting our summer projects, and he shared a drawing of someone getting bullied in a playground. A few years after I graduated, the state took over the school because of poor performance. Then, a couple of years ago, the city decided to close it and move the middle school into the space. Weird and sad. (Photo credit: Hogan High School FB page)
How many children do you have?
Four: Calvin (who will be celebrating his 3rd heavenly birthday next week), Rainbow (who will be celebrating her second heaven day in December), Gaelen (who will be celebrating her first heaven day at the end of this month), and Charlie (who is due to make his entrance on June 4).
I call this picture Mommy’s Eye View because I can “see” Calvin, Rainbow, and Gaelen, who I am carrying in my heart, and Charlie, who I am carrying in my belly.
Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people?
In a group? Many a time (church, birthdays, etc.). By myself? Just once at Louie’s grandmother’s viewing, and it was hard; my voice was shaking as I tried not to cry.
What’s the first thing you notice about your preferred sex?
I’m a sucker for smiles .
What really turns you off?
Statements that are self-righteous and judgemental. And really bad BO.
What do you order at Starbucks?
I don’t frequent it much these days, but the drinks I used to order enjoy were: Soy Chai Latte, Caramel Apple Cider, Pumpkin Spice Latte, and Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte. I think the last thing I got from there was the oatmeal.
What is your biggest mistake?
This would have to be not letting our families see and hold Calvin after I delivered him. You can read more about that in R is for Regrets.
As a child, what did you want to grow up to be?
Hmmm… this list includes singer, pediatrician, marine biologist, actor, chef, writer, artist, and mommy.
Say something totally random about yourself.
I recently noticed my first stretch mark on my belly. It looks like the number four. I tried to take a picture with my phone; it didn’t turn out so well, but I think you can kind of see it. When I asked Louie if my stretch mark (on my actual belly, not in the photo) looked like a four after he got home, he said, Yes. I think it’s pretty cool: a 4 for my four babies.
Do you still watch kiddie movies or TV shows?
Yes. And I’ve found that a lot of “kiddie” movies touch on adult themes and have grown-up jokes, which I never noticed when I was younger.
Did you have braces?
Yes, I did. I got them in 9th grade, I think, and got them off just in time for my high school senior pictures.
Favorite Social Network?
Right now, I would have to say Pinterest and Instagram even though I’m not as active on them. Path will probably become a fave once more of my peeps are on it.
What is the most romantic thing someone of the preferred sex has done for you?
I can’t really pick “the” most romantic thing. So I will share a recent romantic something: one rainy day after work, Louie IM’ed me to tell let me know to come down because he was there. When I walked out the door, he was standing there with an umbrella so he could walk me to the car. I love simple gestures of sweetness like that.
When do you know when it’s love?
Honestly, I know when it’s love after it’s already happened. Is that weird?
Do you speak any other languages?
I speak broken Tagalog (lost my fluency after moving back to the United States). I also used to be able to speak passable French. Does web jargon count?
Have you ever been to a tanning salon?
No. Those things scare me.
What magazines do you read?
I don’t really. When I was younger, I used to subscribe to “Jane” and “YM.” Once in a while, I’ll pick up a fiction magazine or a copy of “Real Simple.”
What is playing on your iPod right now?
That’s All I Ask of You by Raphael Saadiq was the last thing playing on the iPod on our way home from my doctor’s appointment.
Have you ever ridden in a limo?
Yes. The first time was for my senior prom. It was kind of cool riding with friends, but it did cut our time at the actual prom short. The second time was from my parents’ house to the church for my wedding; my mom insisted. Here’s a cool picture of the limo driver taken by the very talented Ed Pingol.
Has anyone you were really close to passed away?
Yes: my babies, who were growing in my body, and my maternal grandmother, who helped raise me.
Do you watch MTV?
Not since they stopped showing music videos regularly. Plus we don’t have cable.
What’s something that really annoys you?
When people patronize me and don’t speak to me like I’m an adult.
Which television show you were sad to say goodbye to?
I think it has to be a tie between Felicity and Firefly, though most of my watching of these series was via DVD.
Can you dance?
I’d like to think so—at least well enough to enjoy myself while doing it!
What’s your favorite place in the world?
I haven’t done much travelling, but the first place that comes to mind is Kaua’i.
Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
No, but families members have been. Once, when Louie’s grandmother was being taken to the hospital, we somehow ended up behind the ambulance on the way there. We could see her through the back window.
If you could meet anyone (dead or alive) who would it be?
My heaven babies.
If you could change one thing in the world for your child, what would it be?
For my heaven babies, I want baby loss to be something that is more openly acknowledge and discussed and for their short but precious lives to be honored even by those who haven’t experienced a similar type of bereavement. For my earth baby, Charlie (please, be my earth baby), I would like him to experience compassion and generosity of heart from the people he encounters.