(a letter of desperation while counting down the months to infertility)
Dear God,
Thank you for blessing us with our two babies.
I love them with all my heart.
I know that, with You, they are safe and happy and whole.
But –
(And I know that I am selfish. That I am a sinner. That I am unworthy.) –
If it is Your will,
Lord, please bless us again with new life, please bless us with more babies –
babies who will live, who will grow – who will
stay.
And if we cannot have more
than one, God, may we have just one – One earth baby
to keep –
one child who is healthy and who lives?
Or – if we cannot have a child who is perfectly
healthy – Lord, may we, please, have one who (at least) survives
and still stays?
And – if this child cannot live –
Lord, may we (at least) be allowed
to watch and wonder at our baby’s first breath – and
to know the sweetness of our baby’s voice in his or her first cry – and
to look with awe into his or her open eyes – just
a few precious moments to lock
into our tender hearts before losing –
before saying goodbye to – another piece of ourselves and each other?
And, Lord – if we cannot have a child who is born (at least) alive –
may we (at least) know what it is to have
a pregnancy that lasts –
and may I carry our baby to term?
Or – if not a full-term pregnancy – God, may we (at least) have our baby
until the third trimester?
And if not that far, far enough
along – at least – so that I can deliver my still and silent
baby into this world – so that we may hold
our child, so that we may know the weight
of this life who was (and who continues with You)?
And, Lord, God, – if not (at least) that – how about just
another pregnancy? A flickering –
a glimpse –
of hope; may we – at least (which, I know, really is
at most) – have the promise
of a reunion in heaven where I will meet and know
who that life was meant to be
and what that life was meant to do?
And, if none
of those, then, Lord – unworthy as I know I am – please lift this longing away
from me. And just
give me
early-onset menopause –
so that I’m not
crushed
month after month after month after month after month after month after month after month after month.
Amen.
