Dear Calvin,
I had my first prenatal appointment with Bumble Bee on Wednesday. The nurse-midwife asked about my previous pregnancies, and when she heard me call you “he,” she asked what your name was. I told her, “Calvin,” as I cried. Then I thanked her for asking your name. She said, “It matters.”
You will always be my first child, my first baby. You will always matter.
Happy 32 months in heaven, my darling. We miss you everyday.
I love you,
Mommy
Posted in Grief, Pregnancy, The 5th Belongs to Calvin
Tagged Bumble Bee, Calvin Phoenix, remembering, The 5th Belongs to Calvin
First, thank you so much for all of your encouragement, support, thoughts, and prayers. We are so grateful and so overwhelmed by all the love that we’re receiving for us and our babies.
Second, as you can tell from this photo, our ultrasound went well. We were able to see Bumble Bee today (fetal pole) and the sweet flicker of our baby’s heartbeat, which was beating at an amazing 132 bpm. I am still taking it in. I still can’t believe baby number four is alive and well in my womb. I hope, I pray I can nourish and sustain this little love to term and hold Calvin, Rainbow, and Gaelen’s crying sibling in my arms next summer.
Thank you again for carrying us through the anxiety leading up to this ultrasound and for walking this journey with us.
Posted in Bumble Bee, Faith, Pregnancy
Tagged 6w6d, fetal pole, heartbeat, pregnancy after loss
We’re going to see Bumble Bee again tomorrow afternoon, and I should be 6 weeks and 4 days along. This is around the time that we should be able to see the fetal pole and a heartbeat. And that is what I really, really, really want to see.
I know that I have no control over the universe. I know that I cannot will my baby to live if it’s not meant to be, but I have to believe that everything will be okay, that I can carry this pregnancy to term, and that our fourth child will be the one to come home with us. I have to keep those thoughts ahead of the fear.
So I have a request. Will you lift us up with prayers, positive energy, and good vibes? Can you surround us with light and keep us in your thoughts? Can you send out the the intention that Louie and I will feel love and comfort and peace no matter what tomorrow brings?
Thank you so much.
Posted in Bumble Bee, Faith, Pregnancy
Tagged louie, prayer request, pregnancy after loss, ultrasound
For the past 8 days, I’ve been sticking one of these capsules in me when I wake up in the morning and before I got to bed at night. I don’t like it. It’s uncomfortable and messy and sometimes it hurts. But I will keep doing this for the next 237 days if it means I can bring my Bumble Bee home.
Posted in Bumble Bee, Photos, Pregnancy, Wordless Wednesday
Tagged pregnancy after loss, progesterone, prometrium
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