On this day last year, I had my third and last prenatal appointment with Calvin. It was Ash Wednesday. Louie and I went to Mass in the morning at St. Ignatius Church before going to UCSF. (That day, there was a young man sitting in the pew in front of us, and he started sobbing after communion. We didn’t do anything or say anything to him, but we talked about it later and how we felt for him. I think about him every now and then, and hope God has brought him comfort.) It was also the day before my birthday.

At the appointment, we saw a doctor we had never seen before, and when she spoke to us about my membranes coming apart and the risks of the pregnancy, it was like being told all over again about the amniotic bands. We had to tell her, like we told the other doctor and the genetic counselor, we would wait. At the end of the appointment, she confirmed that we were having a follow up Level II ultrasound, and told us we would wait until after the ultrasound to schedule my next appointment. Hearing those words felt like a death sentence for my baby, and just thinking about that moment puts me back in that place. Maybe it was a blessing that I didn’t need to call to cancel the appointment and say “because my baby died.” But it didn’t feel that way then. It doesn’t feel that way now, either.

It wasn’t all bad, though. As she placed the doppler on my belly and proceeded to move it around searching for the baby’s heart, I felt the tears well up. I was bracing myself. But then, after what seemed like too long for hope, she moved it left and down, and there it was: a fast, whooshing, thumping. It didn’t sound like I remembered from my second prenatal appointment, maybe because I was overwrought and ready to hear the words I feared most. But she said that heartbeat sounded fine, and that was enough for us. My baby was alive. It was the best birthday present I’ve ever gotten.

Here I am a year later from that day.

And I have seen that same doctor again. What should have been my first prenatal appointment with her for my rainbow baby became, instead, a confirmation of my miscarriage. My second baby. My second loss.

I don’t know how I feel about turning 28. At first, I felt indifferent. Right now, though, I feel as if it moves me further away from my son. I don’t like feeling that way. Right now I long for where I was last year. I long for the sound of Calvin’s heartbeat. I long for the hope and joy and happiness I felt. I long for the days that came between life and death for my first child. For the way my birthday felt last year. For the Saturday after, when Louie felt him move for the first time. I miss the sound of his heart beating. I miss the swell of life growing inside me. I miss looking forward to seeing him on the ultrasounds and waiting to share the secret of his name. I miss my son. I miss my Calvin Phoenix.

“Walking With You” was created by Kelly at The Beauty of Sufficient Grace to help support those who have lost a child.

Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. To learn more and/or to join, please visit Walking with You.

Praising God - Let’s take some time praising God for who He is, because no matter what we may be facing, our circumstances cannot change our steadfast, mighty, unchangeable God. If you would like some ideas on attributes of God, please click here: Moms in Touch website Attributes of God list.

Angie at Bring the Rain and her husband, Todd, who is a singer in Selah, wrote the following song for their daughter, Audrey Caroline, who received a fatal diagnosis at Angie’s 20 week ultrasound. They chose to put their faith and their daughter’s life in God’s hand and continued with the pregnancy. Audrey was delivered and when home to God on April 7, 2008.

I have been playing this song over and over, crying both tears of sorrow and of love. The past few weeks have been difficult for me, and I’ve found myself feeling more lost, more sad, and more exhausted (physically, spiritually, emotionally) than I have been in a while. I know part of it is because we lost our Rainbow Baby. I know part of it is my body having to readjust after the miscarriage and the needs for hormones to balance out. Part of it is also because of all the milestones that have just passed and that are fast approaching.

Did I ever tell you that I miscarried Rainbow on the same date I first saw Calvin’s heartbeat? Or that I found out we were pregnant again during Thanksgiving week (the same week we found out about Calvin)? Last Thursday, January 28, was the anniversary of when we first heard Calvin’s heartbeat on the doppler. January 29th was when we found out about amniotic band syndrome. That next day was by a Level II ultrasound that confirmed 3 amniotic bands; that was also the day Louie and I chose life for our son. Next month with be 1 year since we lost him. And I don’t understand how I got here. How Louie and I have managed to survive these past 11 months without our son, without our second child.

Much of the anger has left me… not all. A great deal of the shock has left as well, though some of it remains. And I’m left with the same raw aching for my children. My arms have been feeling so empty lately. I find myself waking up and reaching for something to hold. Not my husband. Something smaller. Something unreachable. So I settle for a folded up pillow or one of the stuffed animals we bought for Calvin. Sometimes I reach out and lay a few fingers on his urn. Lately the tears have been just under the surface, and I’ve been holding them down. Maybe for fear that they will never cease? Tonight though, listening to I Will Carry You, the tears have finally fallen and flowed freely. And I think I’m starting to feel a little better.

These lyrics (which I’ve copied below) express much of what is in my heart. Lately, these words: People say that I am brave but I’m not / Truth is I’m barely hanging on, have been feeling especially true. But as I listened to the song again and again, these started to hold more power for me: And I will praise the One whose chosen me / To carry you. It is easy to praise Him when things are good. It is easy to get angry with Him and even turn away from Him when things are bad. But I can’t forget that the devastation I feel is born out of a greater good that I would never wish away. I do not regret my pregnancies. I do not regret choosing to continue with my pregnancy after learning the risks of amniotic bands. Just as God chose me to carry Calvin and Rainbow on this earth, I chose to give life to my children. And although I feel like I failed to keep life for them, I stand by that choice.

So I will Praise Him

God is our shelter and strength,
always ready to help in times of trouble
So we will not be afraid even if the earth is shaken
and mountains fall into the ocean depths;
even if the seas roar and rage,
and the hills are shaken by the violence.

There is a river that brings joy to the city of God,
to the sacred house of the Most High.
God is in that city, and it will never be destroyed;
at early dawn he will come to its aid.
Nations are terrified, kingdoms are shaken;
God thunders, and the earth dissolves.

The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our refuge.

Psalms 46: 1-7

I praise you, Lord God, because your are are always with me. In times of joy and of despair. In times of heartache and of happiness. Whether I am clinging to my sorrows and unwilling to give them up or laying my burdens down at the foot of the cross, you are there. You are with me. You are with my husband. You are with my children. Lord, you are everywhere, in all places, at all times, and I praise You.

Ever present, You are the God who gives and who takes away, and in all things you are steadfast. You are the same, unchanging, immutable. You are the same God when I hope and when I despair. So, I praise You, Lord, when you bless me, and I praise You when you afflict me.

I thank You, Lord, for allowing this grief into my life. That pain is born out of the love for my children and has softened my heart. In this weakness I am learning to rely on You, to lean on You, Lord, who is always at my side. I praise You for your faithfulness. I am learning to reach for You. Even when doubt starts to set in, I choose to trust in Your grace and Your mercy. Even in my sadness, I will praise You, because I know You can and You will heal me. Glory unto you, Lord God, in whom my weary soul will find comfort and peace.

Amen.

Honestly, a part of me would prefer to ignore what is going on around me, to shield myself from the grief and suffering others are facing. Losing my two children already feels like more pain than I can stand. The thought of all those parents who’s children have died in Haiti, the devastation that earthquake has wreaked, the many who are hurt, who are starving, who are desperately waiting to know if their loved ones still live… it all seems like too much. So I have avoided looking the photos and watching the news. (I suspect I’m not the only one who does, but admitting this selfishness is difficult, especially amidst such tragedy.)

Distancing myself from what’s happened, however, does not mean that I don’t know how much help is needed. And because I am able, I am called to contribute. It is the right thing to do. It is the Christian thing to do. And I know it would make Calvin and Rainbow proud to know their mommy is helping. So even if you, like me, find the need to guard your tender heart from the painful stories and imagery, if you are so moved and able, please considering donating in one of the following ways.

A handful of organizations through which you can text message donations:

• International Rescue Committee - Text “Haiti” to 25383 to donate $5 (or donate online)
  
• Compassion - Text “disaster” to 90999 to donate $10  (or donate online)
• UNICEF - Text the word “Hope10″ or “UNICEF” to 20222 to donate $10 (or donate online)
• Salvation Army - Text the word “Haiti” to 52000 to donate $10 (or find other ways to give)
• Habitat for Humanity - Text the word “Habitat” to 25383 to donate $10 (or donate online)
• Save the Children Federation, Inc. - Text the word “Save” or “Safe” to 20222 to donate $10 (or donate online)

The organization names link to their main sites, while the links in parenthesis go to the online donation forms (except for the Salvation Army, which goes to a page that shows multiple ways to give via monetary donation, volunteering, etc.). The Mobile Giving Foundation has a list of groups that are accepting donations via text message, including the Red Cross, the MTV telethon, Wyclef Jean’s Yéle Foundation.

You can also help by visiting…

• Indie Relief - Proceeds from purchases made on January 20 of all the listed software/apps will go towards charities working to help Haiti relief efforts
• Bring the Rain - Angie is donating a quarter for every comment she receives on her “Help Me Help Haiti” post until tomorrow evening
• Hope for Haiti - Jenny, from Simply Delightful Designs, has organized a bunch of raffles with awesome donated prizes; $1 = 1 raffle ticket and proceeds will go to the Red Cross and Compassion (note: there are some difficult images in the header of the site)

I know, firsthand, how difficult it can be to see past our own personal heartaches (especially when the pain is still so raw), but there is some healing to be found in using this tenderness to help others in need.

First, I want to say thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers, virtual hugs, positive vibes, on Facebook, my blog, Twitter, BBC, texts, and emails. During a time that is so isolating, we know we are not alone.

The photo is from the day we found out we were expecting again. It was the Sunday before Thanksgiving (our positive home pregnancy test with Calvin was on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving last year). I call this picture Calvin and Rainbow. I will speak to the terms Rainbow and Rainbow Baby in a later post.

I had my ultrasound, and they found a sac in my left uterus with only fluid inside. Based on my dates, there should have been at least a yolk sac, if not a fetal pole and beating heart. The biggest concern is that it could be an ectopic pregnancy (which means implantation happened outside of the uterus); this can lead to a sac in the uterus. Other possibilities include an early loss, or, because I am irregular, conception could have occurred later, and it’s just really early.

According to my initial hcg level test, it is high enough to indicate pregnancy, but not necessarily enough to show anything on an ultrasound. This would be the best case scenario. It’s what we are hoping and praying for. However, the spotting has turned into bleeding and the bleeding has been increasing. In my researching, I have read of women who had heavy bleeding and still went on to have healthy babies. I also read of women who did not have a yolk sac at 6 weeks, but were okay later on. I want to be one of them. But Louie and I are preparing for the worst.

If my hcg numbers go up and there is no change or growth in the ultrasound, it would be most likely that I have an ectopic pregnancy. In this case, I would be given a medication that would kill the cells. This type of pregnancy is not viable. It can cause a rupture. A certain percentage of women end up needing to have their fallopian tube removed (where the egg implanted). A certain percentage become infertile afterwards. I really, really pray this is not an ectopic pregnancy.

If this is a miscarriage, I will continue to cramp, and the bleeding will continue and increase. I will have a few days of really heavy bleeding. My hcg levels should show a drop. If I am losing this baby, I prefer for it to happen naturally, without needing medical intervention — be it tablets (which they used for my induction with Calvin) or a D & C (which they used to remove the remnants of Calvin’s placenta), I would really prefer not to go through that again this year…. or ever.

Please continue praying for us, keeping us in your thoughts, and sending positive energy our way.

I know that with God, anything is possible. As Grandma Floring would say, God can move mountains. But, I also know, that sometimes, His will is different from what we are seeking. Regardless, of the outcome (though we all know which one Louie and I desperately desire), He is still faithful.

We weren’t ready to tell people that I am pregnant again, that our rainbow baby is forming in my belly. We were planning to wait. But today, we desperately covet your prayers.

I started spotting while I was at work yesterday afternoon. It came with cramps and back pain. The spotting was brown yesterday. This morning it was dark red. I called the hospital, and they scheduled me to come in for an ultrasound. I have to go to the same place I had my last ultrasound with Calvin. After the ultrasound, I have to check into the OB clinic. The same place I went for my prenatal appointments with Calvin.

I am asking you to please cover us in your prayers. I am asking you to pray for me as I go back to the places where I went during my pregnancy with Calvin. I am asking you to pray for Louie because he cannot come with me. And most especially, I am asking you to pray for this baby I am carrying, that this little one be safe and continue to form in my womb, that our rainbow may live with us on Earth as we all wait to rejoin Calvin in heaven.

Thank you, Lynette!

Sweet Lynnette from Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground and Lynnette Kraft Photography edited this photo for me. She evened out the exposure, softened the image, and cropped it.

Although the original quality of the picture was not that great, she worked and worked on it, because she knows how precious and dear this photograph is to me and Louie, who took the picture with a disposable camera, at night, in a room with not-so-great lighting. That camera means so much to us, though, because our nurse, Peggy, went and found it for us, thus giving us the opportunity to take pictures with our sweet little boy. Without it, without the time in that dimly it room, we wouldn’t have any photos of Calvin with his mommy and daddy.

Thank you, again, Lynnette! It was such a sweet surprise to find this picture in my inbox after we had worries that you couldn’t really do much with it.

Thank you, husby!

As I was rushing to my chiropractic appointment, beads of sweat on my forehead and along my hairline from fast-walking from Van Ness Station because I missed the N by a stoplight, I saw my husband standing outside of the office. I was running late and I had texted him to “go first please,” but apparently he didn’t listen. So I felt annoyance creeping in, along with a scolding readying itself for launch at the tip of tongue.

Then I noticed he was holding something in his hand. Flowers. He never hardly ever buys me flowers. And as I drew closer, I noticed beautiful deep red orchids and these big, gorgeous leaves. Of course, the annoyance softened as he said, Congratulations, and gave me these flowers wrapped in fuschia and orange tissue paper. This didn’t mean I didn’t ask him why he didn’t go first :P.

You didn’t tell me to go first.
Yes, I did; I texted you.
Oh, I didn’t get it..
Oh okay.

And that was that. ~_^.

Thank You for Waiting for the Necklace Winners!

I’m sorry for this delay. In my last post, A Request, I shared that Louie’s grandma had passed away and asked for your prayers (thank you for that). The past few weeks have been challenging with preparing for the funeral and viewing. Last week was particularly difficult… Last Sunday and Monday (November 15 and 16) were the viewing and funeral for Grandma Floring. Last Wednesday (November 18) was Mama’s (my maternal grandma) six year home-to-heaven anniversary. And last Friday was Tatay’s (Louie’s paternal grandpa) birthday; he went to heaven last year on September 10. This was also the month last year when I got my positive home pregnancy test with Calvin.

With all this aching, though, my heart is full. Full of love and remembering. And to celebrate this, and to thank you for your patience, I have decided to give away all three necklaces! And because I think it may not have been clear when I typed “so if you would like one of them, all you have to do is just leave a comment on thisblog post,” since my blogs feed into Facebook as notes, I’m also including the 2 commenters from there :). Now to put all your names on a piece of paper and make my sleepy husband draw three…

And the winners are…

Holly, Jennay, and Jessy! Please send me your mailing address and rankings for the three necklaces at crystal@calvinphoenix.com.

Tracy, please send me your mailing address, as well. I have something else for you. I know it won’t make up for all the things that got stolen from you, but hopefully it is something you will enjoy.

Thank you everyone for your comments and joining. I’ve decided to make this a monthly giveaway, so if you didn’t win a necklace this time, please check back soon! I would love to give something to each of you, but my hands just can’t work fast enough. Now off to work I go!