Category Archives: Faith

Happy Easter Calvin Phoenix, Rainbow Baby, and Gaelen Evangeline

Posted on April 24, 2011 by Crystal Theresa| 7 Comments
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Happy Easter Calvin, Rainbow, and Gaelen from Grandma YolyIt’s still hard to believe that I haven’t been able to celebrate Easter on earth with any of my children. We lost both Calvin and Gaelen during Lent and Rainbow just before Christmas. It’s Calvin’s 3rd Easter, Rainbow’s 2nd, and Gaelen’s 1st.

My mother-in-law put these Easter goodies together for my three babies. The purple one is for Rainbow; the yellow one is Gaelen’s; and Calvin’s is the blue one. They have little bunny marshmallows wrapped in cellophane and each also has a gummy candy. The tags say, “Happy Easter Jesus” and have the babies’ names on them. Aren’t these just sweet?

Today also happens to be one month since Gaelen’s Heaven Day and Nathalia’s Birthday, so if you could, please send some love, prayers, and kisses to my girl in heaven and to my SIL’s girl in her arms.

Also, since I hadn’t updated on Gaelen for a while, I did want to share the results of her pathology report. (Did you catch that, yet?) Gaelen’s genetic testing came back normal, and she is our second baby girl. You may have figured that out if you visited the site (I know some of you read via subscriptions/feeds) or picked up on the title of this post. Of course it was difficult to have to receive this news, and tears did follow, but as a friend put it, finding out that she was a girl “fills out the memory more.” It feels right knowing Gaelen is a girl, especially with all of the hearts she’s been sending me, but that’s for another post ♥.

My sweet babies, I hope you are enjoying the Easter celebration in heaven. I miss you and love you so much. I so wish Mommy and Daddy could see you in springtime outfits and egg-hunting with your cousins. One day, my sweet baby bunnies.

<3, Crystal Theresa

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Posted in Calvin Phoenix, Faith, Family, Gaelen Evangeline, Rainbow Baby

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G is for Goodness (Finding grace in this grief)

Posted on April 9, 2011 by Crystal Theresa| 7 Comments
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G is for GoodnessThere’s something oddly right about knowing that my blood, my wound formed this heart.

Losing a child is not a good thing. It is not a blessing. It is not something any baby-loss parent I know would ever wish on another person.

However, goodness can and does come from it. When we are at our weakest, grace is revealed through us not in the act of losing, no through the actual pain and desperation, but through all the good that occurs in response to it all:

  • a nurse who takes her break early so she can be there during a procedure she had a feeling would be inevitable and who finds a disposable camera so you can take the only photos you will ever have with your baby
  • a midwife who sees your name on the patient list, remembers your struggle, and sits with you and your husband with tears in her eyes as you cradle your dead baby in your arms
  • a support group that becomes a second family and goes with you to an ultrasound when your husband cannot
  • a grief counselor who sends you a card on the anniversary of losing your son
  • friendships made between women who have never met, but who have grown to love each other as sisters
  • faith found, faith renewed, and faith strengthened through the sharing of your story
  • becoming closer to your spouse than you thought possible and realizing that you are enough for each other
  • finding your voice and using it

And there is so much more. I’ve written about how God has lifted me up and positive ways that I have changed through my losses.To be honest, though, if I had been given the choice, I would trade it in to have my children in my arms, instead of awaiting me in heaven. Yes, it’s selfish, but I still want them here—all three of them. (And I can hardly imagine how much God must love us to give Jesus up for our salvation.)

It’s difficult to reconcile, especially in the beginning, but I have to acknowledge that so much of the compassion, the love, the strength, and the goodness we have seen in the past 2+ years have been because we lost Calvin, then Rainbow, then Gaelen. I know because I’ve witnessed it. God is using us, our grief, our babies to make beauty from ashes, and He is being glorified through it all. And it is by His grace alone that I can rejoice in this knowledge.

What good things have come from your pain?

When did you recognize them as good? How did you connect it to your loss or heartache? Would you trade all the good to undo the bad?

This post is a part of a series called Unpacking Grief, which I began as part of the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge.

<3, Crystal Theresa

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Posted in A to Z Challenge, Calvin Phoenix, Faith, Gaelen Evangeline, Grief, Rainbow Baby, Unpacking Grief

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Gaelen’s heaven day and Nathalia’s birthday

Posted on March 23, 2011 by Crystal Theresa| 15 Comments
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Tomorrow morning, my RE will remove the “products of conception” from my womb. I’m not found of that wording, but technically that is what is happening. This is not something that I have blogged or shared with many people, but the itemized statements and insurance claims from when I was induced with Calvin labelled it as an “abortion,” which is such a loaded word. Many people tend to associate that word with terminating an unwanted pregnancy, with killing an embryo or fetus. But this word is defined as the termination of a pregnancy after, accompanied by, resulting in, or closely followed by the death of the embryo or fetus. So, even though my much wanted child is gone, I am expecting (though probably will never be prepared) to see “abortion” on my paperwork again.

I am so thankful that my RE was willing to do another ultrasound, that she let us decide and addressed our concerns, and that she is compassionate. Although, physically, I probably could have waited longer to see if my body would recognize that Gaelen was gone, I am emotionally drained and have made peace with knowing that my baby’s soul is with Jesus and big brother and big sister and all of our other relatives who rejoice in heaven. We choice to have the uterine extraction instead of the medication because the risks are minimal for both, because I will be at the hospital (which feels safer to both of us at this point), because it should be relatively quick as compared to the medications which may not work, and because testing can be done on the gestational sac.

My appointment is at 9am tomorrow morning. To prepare for the procedure, I have to take one dose of antibiotics tonight and one dose of antibiotics, vicodin, hydrocodone-acetaminophen, an NSAID, and valium in the morning. Tomorrow evening, I take another dose of antibiotics. Also I feel this is the best decision for us at this time, I am scared. Minimal-risk, low-risk, and rare don’t really click for me because I have been living in the world of rare for the past few years: from my uterus didelphys (one of the least common uterine anomalies), to Calvin’s amniotic band sequence leading to his death, to having three losses in a row. So again, I ask you for prayers, thoughts, vibes… that the procedure goes as it should without any detriment to my health or to my chances at future conception, that I don’t experience any adverse or harmful side effects from the medications, that Louie and I are able to find peace as we wait, during, and after saying goodbye to this pregnancy.

And, again, I will ask you to pray for my SIL and niece, because at the same time tomorrow, Claire has an appointment to be induced. Please pray for peace and a safe and healthy delivery for Claire and Nathalia.

For some time, I had been feeling that Gaelen would leave this world when Nathalia entered it. It seems that these feelings were right and these two cousins will share a special day together.

<3, Crystal Theresa

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Posted in Faith, Gaelen Evangeline, Life

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Update on Gaelen

Posted on March 22, 2011 by Crystal Theresa| 13 Comments
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First, thank you so much for your thoughts, for your prayers, for your words of encouragement, for your tears, for your anger and frustration, for just being here with us. Grief can be very lonely and very isolating, but we do NOT feel alone in this, and that is a great source of comfort. It makes it easier. One of my junior high teachers, Mrs. James, gave me a book of quotes when I was in ninth grade. I am reminded of one of them: Shared joy is double joy. Shared sorrow is half sorrow. Thank you for coming into this painful space with us, for opening your hearts to our aching and desperation.

Second, I apologize for not updating sooner.

After my last post, I contacted my RE with questions, asking what had (or hadn’t changed) between the two ultrasounds, whether there was still a chance that it was too early, if was possible to wait and check again. At the first ultrasound, there was a gestational sac that contained a yolk sac and what looked like a very small fetal pole. (I am so thankful that I asked for copies, which doctors don’t usually give until they see a heartbeat.) The reason why she didn’t think we needed another follow-up, the reason why she said that the pregnancy was not viable was because although the gestational sac was bigger, it was empty at the second ultrasound. She no longer saw a yolk sac. She did not see a fetal pole.

I want to share two things with you:

  1. First, there’s this truth, with a lower case t: An empty sac where there was once the beginning of life is an indicator that the embryo has died.
  2. Then there’s this Truth, with a capital T: If God so chooses, He can restore this life.

This is where I am trying to rest: with an understanding of both of these truths. In all likelihood, despite my continuing symptoms of pregnancy, despite the lack of indication of miscarriage, Gaelen is no longer living; and I am trying to accept the possibility of needing further intervention either via medication or surgery to end this pregnancy and safeguard my health. However, I also fully believe that if God so desires and has reason to do so, this pregnancy could defy medical and scientific truth and end with a healthy, living child.

Because I haven’t started bleeding and because I do not wish to proceed with further intervention before having one last ultrasound, I will have a repeat ultrasound tomorrow afternoon, and possibly a quant. blood hcg, depending on what the u/s shows. So I’m fairly certain that tomorrow, my RE, Louie, and I will decide how to proceed: whether I will wait, whether I will take the medication (which I’m assuming will be methotrexate and/or misoprostol), or whether I will have surgery. If the ultrasound shows that Gaelen is gone and that my body is not progressing as it should, I will choose the intervention that poses the least risk to myself and my future fertility, should Louie and I decide to try again.

I would really appreciate your continued prayers and positive thoughts, vibes, energies, and wishes for peace, for comfort, for acceptance, especially as we approach our appointment tomorrow afternoon (2:45pm PST).

Also please pray for my SIL and her baby as they navigate the end of this pregnancy and the continued difficulties that arise as they try to reach 39 weeks, as well as for my sister and her baby-on-the-way (due on April 1st) who have thankfully been able to avoid preterm labor.

<3, Crystal Theresa
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Posted in Faith, Gaelen Evangeline, Life

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