“Walking With You” was created by Kelly at The Beauty of Sufficient Grace to help support those who have lost a child.

Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. To learn more and/or to join, please visit Walking with You.

Praising God - Let’s take some time praising God for who He is, because no matter what we may be facing, our circumstances cannot change our steadfast, mighty, unchangeable God. If you would like some ideas on attributes of God, please click here: Moms in Touch website Attributes of God list.

Angie at Bring the Rain and her husband, Todd, who is a singer in Selah, wrote the following song for their daughter, Audrey Caroline, who received a fatal diagnosis at Angie’s 20 week ultrasound. They chose to put their faith and their daughter’s life in God’s hand and continued with the pregnancy. Audrey was delivered and when home to God on April 7, 2008.

I have been playing this song over and over, crying both tears of sorrow and of love. The past few weeks have been difficult for me, and I’ve found myself feeling more lost, more sad, and more exhausted (physically, spiritually, emotionally) than I have been in a while. I know part of it is because we lost our Rainbow Baby. I know part of it is my body having to readjust after the miscarriage and the needs for hormones to balance out. Part of it is also because of all the milestones that have just passed and that are fast approaching.

Did I ever tell you that I miscarried Rainbow on the same date I first saw Calvin’s heartbeat? Or that I found out we were pregnant again during Thanksgiving week (the same week we found out about Calvin)? Last Thursday, January 28, was the anniversary of when we first heard Calvin’s heartbeat on the doppler. January 29th was when we found out about amniotic band syndrome. That next day was by a Level II ultrasound that confirmed 3 amniotic bands; that was also the day Louie and I chose life for our son. Next month with be 1 year since we lost him. And I don’t understand how I got here. How Louie and I have managed to survive these past 11 months without our son, without our second child.

Much of the anger has left me… not all. A great deal of the shock has left as well, though some of it remains. And I’m left with the same raw aching for my children. My arms have been feeling so empty lately. I find myself waking up and reaching for something to hold. Not my husband. Something smaller. Something unreachable. So I settle for a folded up pillow or one of the stuffed animals we bought for Calvin. Sometimes I reach out and lay a few fingers on his urn. Lately the tears have been just under the surface, and I’ve been holding them down. Maybe for fear that they will never cease? Tonight though, listening to I Will Carry You, the tears have finally fallen and flowed freely. And I think I’m starting to feel a little better.

These lyrics (which I’ve copied below) express much of what is in my heart. Lately, these words: People say that I am brave but I’m not / Truth is I’m barely hanging on, have been feeling especially true. But as I listened to the song again and again, these started to hold more power for me: And I will praise the One whose chosen me / To carry you. It is easy to praise Him when things are good. It is easy to get angry with Him and even turn away from Him when things are bad. But I can’t forget that the devastation I feel is born out of a greater good that I would never wish away. I do not regret my pregnancies. I do not regret choosing to continue with my pregnancy after learning the risks of amniotic bands. Just as God chose me to carry Calvin and Rainbow on this earth, I chose to give life to my children. And although I feel like I failed to keep life for them, I stand by that choice.

So I will Praise Him

God is our shelter and strength,
always ready to help in times of trouble
So we will not be afraid even if the earth is shaken
and mountains fall into the ocean depths;
even if the seas roar and rage,
and the hills are shaken by the violence.

There is a river that brings joy to the city of God,
to the sacred house of the Most High.
God is in that city, and it will never be destroyed;
at early dawn he will come to its aid.
Nations are terrified, kingdoms are shaken;
God thunders, and the earth dissolves.

The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our refuge.

Psalms 46: 1-7

I praise you, Lord God, because your are are always with me. In times of joy and of despair. In times of heartache and of happiness. Whether I am clinging to my sorrows and unwilling to give them up or laying my burdens down at the foot of the cross, you are there. You are with me. You are with my husband. You are with my children. Lord, you are everywhere, in all places, at all times, and I praise You.

Ever present, You are the God who gives and who takes away, and in all things you are steadfast. You are the same, unchanging, immutable. You are the same God when I hope and when I despair. So, I praise You, Lord, when you bless me, and I praise You when you afflict me.

I thank You, Lord, for allowing this grief into my life. That pain is born out of the love for my children and has softened my heart. In this weakness I am learning to rely on You, to lean on You, Lord, who is always at my side. I praise You for your faithfulness. I am learning to reach for You. Even when doubt starts to set in, I choose to trust in Your grace and Your mercy. Even in my sadness, I will praise You, because I know You can and You will heal me. Glory unto you, Lord God, in whom my weary soul will find comfort and peace.

Amen.

A part of me wonders if I should have guarded my heart against loving my Rainbow. Could it have dulled the deep sting of this second loss in any way? But then, it seems kind of ridiculous. What milestone is there to say it’s okay to start loving your baby when I have seen parents lose their children at all stages of life?

Statistics say the chance of miscarriage drops to 5% after you see the heartbeat. Statistics say that after the first trimester, you are “safe.” But those rules did not apply to Calvin. And all of our losses did not save our next baby, because there is “loss quota.” Or maybe that rule doesn’t apply to us either. And I know too many people who have lost their babies after they reached viability outside of the womb and even after birth and in the days, weeks, months, and even years that followed.

If anything, I am glad for the hope and happiness I felt in the few weeks of my pregnancy with Rainbow. One of my fears was that I would have nothing of my heart to give after Calvin went to be with God. But that fear melted away. I can love as fiercely and as wholly as I loved my first child. There is no capacity to limit the love I can have for any of my children - living or dead. I am comforted by that.

As Louie said, if we can’t have happiness, we’ll take a beautiful sadness. I’d rather miss my babies than have nothing.

Thank you, my two little ones, for giving us that. I know happiness will come, but I don’t mind the wait. I love you, Calvin and Rainbow, and I can’t wait to have you in my arms.

First, I want to say thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers, virtual hugs, positive vibes, on Facebook, my blog, Twitter, BBC, texts, and emails. During a time that is so isolating, we know we are not alone.

The photo is from the day we found out we were expecting again. It was the Sunday before Thanksgiving (our positive home pregnancy test with Calvin was on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving last year). I call this picture Calvin and Rainbow. I will speak to the terms Rainbow and Rainbow Baby in a later post.

I had my ultrasound, and they found a sac in my left uterus with only fluid inside. Based on my dates, there should have been at least a yolk sac, if not a fetal pole and beating heart. The biggest concern is that it could be an ectopic pregnancy (which means implantation happened outside of the uterus); this can lead to a sac in the uterus. Other possibilities include an early loss, or, because I am irregular, conception could have occurred later, and it’s just really early.

According to my initial hcg level test, it is high enough to indicate pregnancy, but not necessarily enough to show anything on an ultrasound. This would be the best case scenario. It’s what we are hoping and praying for. However, the spotting has turned into bleeding and the bleeding has been increasing. In my researching, I have read of women who had heavy bleeding and still went on to have healthy babies. I also read of women who did not have a yolk sac at 6 weeks, but were okay later on. I want to be one of them. But Louie and I are preparing for the worst.

If my hcg numbers go up and there is no change or growth in the ultrasound, it would be most likely that I have an ectopic pregnancy. In this case, I would be given a medication that would kill the cells. This type of pregnancy is not viable. It can cause a rupture. A certain percentage of women end up needing to have their fallopian tube removed (where the egg implanted). A certain percentage become infertile afterwards. I really, really pray this is not an ectopic pregnancy.

If this is a miscarriage, I will continue to cramp, and the bleeding will continue and increase. I will have a few days of really heavy bleeding. My hcg levels should show a drop. If I am losing this baby, I prefer for it to happen naturally, without needing medical intervention — be it tablets (which they used for my induction with Calvin) or a D & C (which they used to remove the remnants of Calvin’s placenta), I would really prefer not to go through that again this year…. or ever.

Please continue praying for us, keeping us in your thoughts, and sending positive energy our way.

I know that with God, anything is possible. As Grandma Floring would say, God can move mountains. But, I also know, that sometimes, His will is different from what we are seeking. Regardless, of the outcome (though we all know which one Louie and I desperately desire), He is still faithful.

We weren’t ready to tell people that I am pregnant again, that our rainbow baby is forming in my belly. We were planning to wait. But today, we desperately covet your prayers.

I started spotting while I was at work yesterday afternoon. It came with cramps and back pain. The spotting was brown yesterday. This morning it was dark red. I called the hospital, and they scheduled me to come in for an ultrasound. I have to go to the same place I had my last ultrasound with Calvin. After the ultrasound, I have to check into the OB clinic. The same place I went for my prenatal appointments with Calvin.

I am asking you to please cover us in your prayers. I am asking you to pray for me as I go back to the places where I went during my pregnancy with Calvin. I am asking you to pray for Louie because he cannot come with me. And most especially, I am asking you to pray for this baby I am carrying, that this little one be safe and continue to form in my womb, that our rainbow may live with us on Earth as we all wait to rejoin Calvin in heaven.

Please wrap my husband and in-laws in your prayers. Help us to lift Grandma up to Jesus. Help us to lay our sorrow at His feet while we grieve.

I don’t understand why we have lost so much in so short a timespan. All I know is through Him, through His grace and mercy, we can make it through this valley. He will sustain us, even when we feel we can take no more.

I know there is much rejoicing going on in Heaven. Grandma is finally reunited with the love of her life. Calvin has yet another great grandparent in Heaven to teach him about his parents and family. But here, in this earthly life, there is crying. There is so much aching.

Please pray with us:

Heavenly Father,

You know all. You know best. You see what we cannot. Carry us in our weakness, for in our weakness Your strength is made perfect. And as we await the day we will be reunited with You and the ones we have lost (but who have gained in You), continue to bless us with your Grace.

All honor and glory is yours, Father, so we praise you. We praise you in our joys and through our tears, knowing You are the great architect of our lives. Your will be done.

Amen.