First, thank you so much for all of your encouragement, support, thoughts, and prayers. We are so grateful and so overwhelmed by all the love that we’re receiving for us and our babies.
Second, as you can tell from this photo, our ultrasound went well. We were able to see Bumble Bee today (fetal pole) and the sweet flicker of our baby’s heartbeat, which was beating at an amazing 132 bpm. I am still taking it in. I still can’t believe baby number four is alive and well in my womb. I hope, I pray I can nourish and sustain this little love to term and hold Calvin, Rainbow, and Gaelen’s crying sibling in my arms next summer.
Thank you again for carrying us through the anxiety leading up to this ultrasound and for walking this journey with us.
We’re going to see Bumble Bee again tomorrow afternoon, and I should be 6 weeks and 4 days along. This is around the time that we should be able to see the fetal pole and a heartbeat. And that is what I really, really, really want to see.
I know that I have no control over the universe. I know that I cannot will my baby to live if it’s not meant to be, but I have to believe that everything will be okay, that I can carry this pregnancy to term, and that our fourth child will be the one to come home with us. I have to keep those thoughts ahead of the fear.
So I have a request. Will you lift us up with prayers, positive energy, and good vibes? Can you surround us with light and keep us in your thoughts? Can you send out the the intention that Louie and I will feel love and comfort and peace no matter what tomorrow brings?
Project Pee-a-thon ended with very much wanted results for me and Louie, and we held onto the high of congratulations, support, encouragement, and prayers for days. We told ourselves we would enjoy this blessing and hold onto the joy. I promised myself I wouldn’t get caught up in the fear and worry and just love every day that I have our little Bumble Bee growing inside me. But things started snowballing. And as I tried to keep the anxiety at bay, it all piled up and knocked me spiraling down into a place where I was practically convinced it was over, that I was just setting myself up for disappointment, and that I was foolish to ever believe I could bring this baby home. Not a good place to be, is it?
I’m teetering on the threshold between love and fear, and I need to find the place of perfect love, the love that will drive out all fear (John 4:18), the love I felt as my heart expanded to hold another child. So I’m pulling out all the stops: prayer, guided imagery, affirmations, mantras, and—most important and most difficult—surrender.
When we surrender to God, we surrender to something bigger than ourselves—to a universe that knows what it’s doing. When stop trying to control events, they fall into a natural order, an order that works. We’re at rest while a power much greater than our own takes over, and it does a much better job than we could have done. We learn to trust that the power that holds galaxies together can handle the circumstances of our relatively little lives (56).
Part of doing that is trusting that I am held and that, the greater scheme of the universe, my and baby and I are safe no matter what happens. The other part is recognizing that the fears will come, and I need to acknowledge these emotions so they can move through me, instead of trying to wall them up and letting them rot inside me.
I’m teetering on the threshold between love and fear, and though I know it’s impossible to feel completely confident in this pregnancy, I want to leap towards love.
This post is part of the NaBloPoMo daily blogging challenge. The theme for this month is “Between,” which goes perfectly with how I’ve been feeling and where I find myself: between hope and despair, between love and fear, between trying to conceive and holding a living child in my arms.
In last September’s The 5th Belongs to Calvin post, I showed Calvin’s name spelled in the clouds. This is the follow-up to that post… almost a year later. Yes, it had been sitting as a draft for almost that long. And, yes, I know I can be slow sometimes. But on this sleepless night, I’m finally sharing .
You can see the letters of Calvin’s name in this photo, too, but what’s particularly special about this one is that there are other images that revealed themselves in these clouds as Louie and I outlined their shapes.
What we found include angels, a cross, a phoenix, a mother holding her baby, and babies—lots of babies, and even a couple of babies whose faces I recognized. I know this seems kind of strange, but is it any “stranger” than seeing C-A-L-V-I-N in the sky? Some of the images aren’t as clear in this smaller version of the photo, and maybe it’s just me seeing what I want to see, pulling extra meaning out of what should be “meaningless.” But if it gives me hope and reassurance (and isn’t hurting anyone), let me continue to see my son—and his heavenly friends—in the clouds.