Category Archives: The 5th Belongs to Calvin

The 5th Belongs to Calvin: A Visit to Florida

Posted on October 5, 2011 by Crystal Theresa| 4 Comments
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One of the most surprising thing that happened after losing Calvin (and each of my babies) was finding friendships in unexpected places. I was amazed and uplifted by receiving compassion, encouragement, and just plain love from people who ranged from former acquaintances to complete strangers.

The BabyCenter Community was where I first discovered the baby loss community and made friendships with mommies who were also struggling with grief and the loss of their babies. My love for Calvin and the emptiness that came with losing him led me to these ladies and we connected as we mourned and fought to remember our children. Two years later and many of these women have become my sisters. They have been there for me through losing Calvin, then Rainbow, then Gaelen, and they are here with me praying, hoping, wishing, and lifting me up. It feels like somehow Calvin must have gotten with their babies in heaven, and they decided, “Our mommies need each other. Let’s get them together.”

Emmit, Pickles, & Quackly in GulfportSo that’s why we are in Florida today: I’m finally meeting a few of these amazing ladies face-to-face, along with their hubbies and rainbow babies. One of these girls, I’ve know for over two years. The other three, I’ve known for almost a year and a half. And on Saturday, we will be walking together in memory of the little ones we lost at the hospital where one of them delivered and lost her twin boys. I’m sure it will be both heartbreaking and beautiful. I’m so honored to have the friendship of these women, as well as that of the wonderful people who’ve been with us throughout this journey.

Dear Calvin, I know you and Rainbow and Gaelen couldn’t stay with mommy and daddy. I know that, but it doesn’t make me miss you any less. So, I’m so grateful for the love that we have from your “aunties” and “uncles” and for the sweetness they have brought to our lives as we wait to be with you again. Happy 31 months in heaven, my darling. Send hugs and kisses to your sisters and your heaven baby friends. I love you.

<3, Crystal Theresa

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Posted in Life, The 5th Belongs to Calvin, We Remember

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The 5th Belongs to Calvin: Dandiewinks Prelaunch

Posted on September 5, 2011 by Crystal Theresa| 2 Comments
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I’ve been interested in many-things artsy, crafty, and designy for almost as long as I can remember. From making flyers, programs, and invitations for family, my youth group, and department events in college; to freelance web and print projects; to the pendants, blocks, and paintings I create.

Calvin Phoenix DesignAfter I had Calvin, I was inspired to move forward and finally started a website at CalvinPhoenix.com (which is now archived at my main domain, Louie Loves Crystal). I decided that Calvin Phoenix Design would be my small business name, and started posting some of my work.

Then I got pregnant with Rainbow and lost her, too. Devastation. I never registered my business name, because it felt wrong not to include both of my babies.

Eventually I decided on Phoenix and Rainbow. I thought this name would be perfect, that I wouldn’t need to worry because I couldn’t possibly lose another child, and my living children would understand.

Then I got pregnant with Gaelen. And I lost her, too. More heartbreak. The reality that there is no threshold of losing babies and almost giving up.

But I wanted something I could hold onto, something that would not just be for my babies in heaven, but also for future children and for myself.

Then came Dandiewinks

dandiewinks

Dandiewinks is a combination of the words dandelion + winks. The dandelion seeds represent my babies. The winks represent, well, the winks I receive from them that keep me feeling inspired and connected to them. And the name Dandiewinks is also fun and whimsical, and that’s a part of me that I believe my babies would want me to hold onto.

So here it is, on Calvin’s special day, with a little nervousness: the pre-launch of Dandiewinks.com. Please feel free to stop by and check out our first project under the new name: a header illustration for Meg, aka Helicopter Mommy. You can also keep in touch by “Liking” the Dandiewinks Facebook page. I’m so excited to move forward with this renewed adventure.

Calvin, you and your sisters make me want to be more, to move toward inspiration and creative expression. Losing each of you has been my greatest heartache, and I won’t be healed until we are together again. But you’ve also blessed me beyond what I can comprehend in this life, and I am so grateful and honored to be your mommy. Happy 2 1/2 years in heaven, my darling.
<3, Crystal Theresa

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Posted in Art Bits, Design, Gaelen Evangeline, Rainbow Baby, The 5th Belongs to Calvin

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The 5th Belongs to Calvin: A Calvin’s Cupcakes sneak peek

Posted on August 5, 2011 by Crystal Theresa| 3 Comments
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Last year, on Calvin’s 1st birthday, I announced Calvin’s Cupcakes. Being able to create these remembrances is such an honor. It’s so special to connect with these children and their families as I’m designing the cupcakes and creating the posts.

Today I want to share a sneak peek of something I’ve been working on for my sweet boy’s legacy. The one at the top is the original cupcake design, the one in the middle uses a softer style, and the one at the bottom is three-dimensional. I’m very excited to offer them soon and to share them with you on Calvin’s special day.Calvin's Cupcakes sneak peek

My darling Calvin, happy 29 months in heaven. You and your sisters fill the broken spaces of my heart, and I love carrying you there.

<3, Crystal Theresa

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Posted in Art Bits, Calvin Phoenix, Design, The 5th Belongs to Calvin

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The 5th Belongs to Calvin: Things that will never change

Posted on July 6, 2011 by Crystal Theresa| 2 Comments
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Instagram Photo
“Happy 5th Calvin. 28 months in heaven. Momma misses you.”
(via instagram 07.05.2011)

Missing: the way he moved and tumbled,  the sound of his heartbeat, watching him on the ultrasound, his weight in my arms, his face and tiny gums.

Longing: to have him back in my arms, for birthdays and first words and first steps and wet kisses, to see him with his sisters and cousins and grandparents.

Wondering: whose personality traits he has—more like mommy? or more like daddy?, how his voice sounds, what our life would be like had he lived.

Wishing: he was here (and his sisters, too), that I took more pictures of him and with him, that I held his hands and feet.

I didn’t include love in that list, because although it will never go away, it doesn’t stay the same. My love for Calvin, for my babies, transforms as much as it is transforming. And that is a beautiful thing.

Happy 28 months with Jesus, baby boy. You and your sissies are always with me. Mommy and Daddy love you, Calvin, so, so much.

PS: I know this post is late, and I’m trying to be more self-forgiving. I cried last night because I felt like I was betraying Calvin because the reason I couldn’t post was from Clomid’s side effects. I’m trying to remember that Calvin knows I love him and that our babies aren’t bound by dates as signs of love (thank you for the reminder Louie).

<3, Crystal Theresa
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Posted in Calvin Phoenix, Photos, The 5th Belongs to Calvin

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