I’m pleased to announce that, after my super high-tech random drawing (aka writing names on pieces of paper, folding them up, shaking them up, and picking one ^_~), the winner of the Something Happened book giveaway is Melanie!

Congratulations, sweetie, I’m sure that giving this book to your hospital or midwives’ clinic will be of help to the families that borrow it from their library. You have a a great heart. Melanie, please email me your address at crystal@blessedtobebroken.com so I can send you the book.

I first learned of this movement in the Babyloss Community from Maggie, Alexandra’s mommy. The idea is that if enough of us request that Oprah does a segment on baby loss, maybe it will actually happen and air during her last season. I’m hoping that if we push for a specific day – Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, which is on October 15 – it would give them more of a reason to produce it.

So I am passing on this request to everyone reading this, to babyloss families and non-babyloss families alike. There are several reasons why I would love to see this on the Oprah show:

1. It will provide support to those who have lost a child (and who may face it in the future), letting them know that they are not alone, connecting them with helpful resources, and helping them to understand that a lot of what they are feeling is normal, despite what others who haven’t gone through a similar may have been led to believe.
2. It will provide education on infant and pregnancy loss and help those who know parents who have suffered pregnancy and child loss learn how to better support their grieving loved ones.
3. It will show also show the beauty and good that has grown out of these tragedies: from the connections and friendships people have made to the ministries and services that have been founded in honor of these dearly loved children to the ways in which babyloss parents have become inspired and awakened creatively and spiritually as they face their losses.

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Please, just take a few minutes to submit your story request to Oprah and share your experience with babyloss, whether personally or through someone you know. It would mean so much. I’ve copied what I submitted below; you don’t have to write as much as I did at all. And if you are so moved (and I hope you are) please pass this on for others to share, as well.

Thank you so much!

Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, in the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13.

In the beginning of this lesson we read in Ezra about the return to Jerusalem, which had been turned into a ghost town, and how the people began rebuilding it. There were those who wept over their lost city, and there those who shouted for joy at the laying of the new foundation. Honestly, I relate more to those who wept, but I can understand the hope that the new foundation symbolizes after the destruction of Jerusalem – this is a cause of rejoicing. It makes me think of what Jesus said about the temple being destroyed and rebuilt. Even though I know the He is risen and that His suffering has ended, thinking of His passion and the suffering that he endured still brought me to tears, as I wrote about in this post. It’s the same with my two babies. Though I am in a place where I can see a “new city,” I still weep for what was and for what could have been. I know that God is working in me. He is re-laying the foundation of my life and my joy. But honestly, I am still in the storm of my grief.

The authors share the following quote and ask which direction we are looking:

Sorrow looks behind,
Fear looks around,
Faith looks.

I am looking in all directions. That can be dizzying.

Praising God after losing my babies was not as difficult for me. I knew the blessing that my babies each were and remained thankful for that. Maybe that’s why I didn’t completely turn away from or feel anger towards Him (but that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel undirected anger), even if I did feel abandoned at times. “Moving on to something new,” however, is a whole different issue that I have difficulty even trying to contemplate. Cognitively, it’s very hard for to separate “moving on” to “leaving behind.” I’m starting to understand that it’s not so much moving on from Calvin and Rainbow, but moving on from the pain and the grief, but I haven’t untangled it all, yet, and I’m okay with that – I know that God is ever so patient and that He is here with me, helping me separate the threads of grief and sorrow from those of hope and joy. And one day, I will made anew. I will be a tapestry in which the lives of Calvin and Rainbow are intricately woven.

³Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to his great mercy begat us again unto a living hope by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴unto an inheritance incorruptible, and undefiled, and that fadeth not away, reserved in heaven for you, ⁵who by the power of God are guarded through faith unto a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. ⁶Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, ye have been put to grief in manifold trials, ⁷that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold that perisheth though it is proved by fire, may be found unto praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ: ⁸whom not having seen ye love; on whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice greatly with joy unspeakable and full of glory: ⁹receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls. I Peter 1:3-9.

We are asked to list some of the “new things” God is doing in our lives. One of the new things God has done in my life is strengthening my faith and erasing the feeling that I need to be “inconspicuous” about my faith so that I don’t offend others. Freedom of religion is about being able to freely practice my beliefs, not about worrying about how my doing the sign of the cross or saying grace at a restaurant might affect others.

This lesson talks abut a sacrifice of praise and how praising Him is the key to letting Him get on with the job.For a previous Walking with You post, I wrote this: Tearful, Empty-Armed, Hurting Praise. I had so much sorrow weighing on my heart at that time, but I learned that there is something very powerful that comes with praising God when you are hurting, and the brokenness becomes okay. His strength is truly made perfect in weakness. Psalm 71:14: But I will hope continually, And will praise thee yet more and more.

I like the quote from Teale Fackler: The Lord has comforted me by giving my grief and experience purpose. It helps to know that I can help others through my experiences by offering my support to those who have lost a child and by helping those who don’t know this pain to understand what we are going through and hopefully give them more insight on how to best offer comfort and support to anyone they know who has suffered this type of loss. I have also found found comfort in the “babyloss” community – through other parents (online and in real life) who have validated my feelings and who have given me hope of finding happiness without “forgetting” and “moving on with my life” – and in those who have, without judgment, been willing to bear witness to my grief and how it has changed me.

There are many things in my life for which I can be joyful. Today though, with Mother’s Day coming up tomorrow, I just want to share this Scripture from Isaiah 49:15-16, because, although my heart aches so badly for Calvin Phoenix and for Rainbow Baby, I am filled with joy knowing that I am still a mother, though my children live in heaven, and that they are safe and whole in God’s care:

¹⁵Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on teh son of her womb? Yea these may forget, yet will I not forget thee. ¹⁶Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.

This is the last post of the Threads of Hope series, and I wanted to give a big thank you to Kelly for leading us through it and encouraging us to stick with it. I have so needed to spend this time in His word, and it has meant a lot to me.

This Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study is part of the “Walking With You” outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. To learn more, read Kelly’s post: “Upcoming Threads of Hope Study.”

To read my posts on other lessons, please use the links below:
•Lesson One: Your Story
•Lesson Two: So Many Questions
•Lesson Three: This Can’t Be Happening
•Lesson Four: Why Me?
•Lesson Five: How Can I Go On?
•Lesson Six: I’ve Got to Get Better Soon
•Lesson Seven: Moving On to Acceptance
•Lesson Eight: Learning to Let Go

Today is a special day, not only for my Calvin Phoenix, but also for Jenna Belle, Franchesca’s sweet little girl. As Calvin is celebrating 14 months in heaven, Jenna is celebrating her 1st birthday there, too — so happy heavenly birthday baby girl! We hope you like your cupcake and enjoyed your birthday with my Calvin and Rainbow.

Something Happened Book Giveaway

Since becoming a part of the babyloss community, I have come to know such amazing people: Parents who are surviving their losses and enduring their grief and the beautiful babies they have carried. These mothers and fathers are such inspirations to me, because their strength does not lie in “getting over it,” but in admitting their moments of weakness, of sharing their heartache, and their desire to look towards joy and hope.

It’s been a while since my first giveaway, so for this month’s The 5th Belongs to Calvin, I would like to have my second giveaway, in honor of my sweet boy, who has stretched my heart and introduced me to a such a special, supportive community.

Watch to video to see the book and find out how to enter. It is my first attempt at vlogging (sort of, since this also has words along with it), so please excuse the weird cracklings, the novice editing, and my voice (is that my voice? is that my voice?).

The winner will be randomly chosen at the end of the month.

My precious Calvin, it’s been 14 months since I last held you, but I miss you as much as ever, and I love you even more. Happy 14 months in heaven, Calvin! Mommy and Daddy love you and Rainbow so much.

I really like how this lesson opens — it addresses the fear I expressed in lesson 7 about acceptance meaning forgetting: What does it mean to let go? It is not the same as forgetting and it not simply ‘getting on with your life.’ Letting go means releasing your child into the hands of God. Letting go also means releasing your grief into the hands of God.

It’s been much easier to release my child to God than it has been to release my grief to God. We found out that Calvin died exactly one week after Ash Wednesday (and I delivered him exactly one week after my 27th birthday). At the time, I thought, Okay, God, if this is what you are asking of me, okay. What did I give up for Lent that year? I gave up my son. Some people don’t understand what that means. They think that I didn’t have a choice, but I did. I chose to say, Okay, God. I think that’s why I never felt any anger at God after losing my son. I felt distant from Him, yes. I felt abandoned and forgotten when I first walked into hospital for my induction. But, I guess, a part of me always understood that He has great reason for what he allows to happen in my life.

The grief? That is a whole different story. Thinking back on it, I probably felt like (a small part of me still feels like), after giving up my son, I should at least be able to hold onto the grief. The pain felt like the only real thing left I had of Calvin. But I’ve started to learn differently.

Getting Out of the Pit

This is the picture I have of my grief:

My grief is like a cave. Dark. Cold. Empty. Lonely. It’s on a mountain. It’s hard to get to — and most others don’t like visiting. It’s hard to leave, though, because the thought of not being able to get back is scary. It’s more comfortable in my cave than being outside, alone on the mountain. It feels lonely, yes, but it’s cozy; I feel less vulnerable being in here and crying outward than being exposed out in the world.

I really like the quote by Corrie Ten Boom: There is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still. It gives me comfort to know that there is no place I go in my grief that God cannot find me. I know He has been with me, especially through the people He has brought into my life, through those who have been willing to join me in my cave.

Waiting for Resurrection

In the three days between His death and resurrection, the disciples might have felt guilt, sadness, and fear. In my own grief, I have felt all three. Right now, I feel sadness, but the guilt and the fear seem to have been lifted from me. I’m thankful for this respite.

In John 20:1-18, we learn of Jesus’s resurrection. After He rose from the dead, He appeared before Mary Magdalene as she was weeping outside of the tomb. Although He was standing before her, Mary didn’t recognize Jesus until He spoke her name. He was right there. She was in His presence. But she did not know it was Him because she was so overcome and distraught. I really like what Kelly wrote in her post, about needing to lift our eyes up to see that He is with us.

When Jesus asks Woman, why weepest thou? Whom seekest thou? (John 20:15), I’m sure He already knows the answer. I think He knows the answer better than I do. But just as He needed to call Mary Magdalene by name for her to recognize Him, I need to answer these questions for myself.

Looking Heavenward

The verses, I Cor 15:40, Phil 3:20-21, and Mt. 17: 1-5, imply that though we are made anew when we rise to Heaven in our spiritual bodies, I will still be able to recognize my babies, my Calvin and my Rainbow, just as the disciples recognized Elijah and Moses. I will be able to see them as He sees them and know them as He does. Thinking about this day, of being reunited with my children and being able to immediately recognize them brings me to tears. I am so thankful for that promise. I am so grateful to Jesus for giving up His life so that I may earn, through His grace alone, the chance to spend eternity with my children.

Unresolved Issues

I think this section could have a better title, but I can understand that the purpose of this section is to address some things that are, well… unresolved, but still…

I still need to organize the mementos I have of my babies. I want to print out the emails, comments, and notes we received from people, including the sweet messages people left for Calvin on Kisses for Calvin.

My babies’ names

Calvin Phoenix: I wrote about Calvin’s name in a previous “Walking with You” post, Naming Our Babies. Calvin has a combination of our first initials (C and L) and also happens to mean “bald,” and Phoenix was an homage to Louie’s grandfather, Felix, and means eternity and rebirth.

Rainbow: A mommy on BabyCenter posted this definition of a rainbow baby:

“Rainbow Babies” is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

Louie and I both agreed to keep the name Rainbow because I felt she was a girl. Although we lost our rainbow baby, she still gave us the new hope and light that definition describes. Because of Rainbow, I know that I can love each of my children with the same fullness.

A letter to God

Dear God,

Thank You for blessing me and Louie with Calvin Phoenix and Rainbow Baby. Thank You for choosing us to be their mommy and daddy, to carry them during their brief lives on earth.

We miss them so much. My heart and arms ache for them so badly. It hurts that I can’t watch them grow up. It hurts that Calvin isn’t here saying Mamama and Dadadada and that Rainbow is no longer growing in my belly. I miss the hope that comes with being pregnant, and though I’m afraid of carrying life again because it means I could lose another child, I’m more afraid of not having anymore children at all.

I want to know what it’s like, Lord, to raise my babies. I want to be able to smell their hair and plant kisses on their hands and feet. I love my babies so much, and it hurts that I can’t touch them or soothe them. I want them to know how much I love them, how much their daddy and I wanted them.

I’m so thankful that they are safe in your care, that You are there with them, Lord, to wrap Your arms around them and give them hugs and kisses when we can’t. I’m thankful that Mama, Nanay, Grandpa Frank, Grandpa Quireno, Grandma, Tatay, Auntie Mona, Mama Floring, and Mama Elang are there with Calvin and Rainbow, and look forward to being reunited with them and our other loved ones.

Please help me, God, to make my children proud, to let let them know that I want to live a good life in their honor and do good things because of them. They have saved me. They have brought me closer to You. They have strengthened and solidified my relationship with their daddy. I am grateful for that. I am so proud to be their mommy. Please tell them that for me.

And please continue to work in my life. Refine me, Lord, so that I may be worthy of Your grace.

Amen.

This Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study is part of the “Walking With You” outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. To learn more, read Kelly’s post: “Upcoming Threads of Hope Study.”

To read my posts on other lessons, please use the links below:
•Lesson One: Your Story
•Lesson Two: So Many Questions
•Lesson Three: This Can’t Be Happening
•Lesson Four: Why Me?
•Lesson Five: How Can I Go On?
•Lesson Six: I’ve Got to Get Better Soon
•Lesson Seven: Moving On to Acceptance
•Lesson Nine: Finding Joy

Our Cross to Bear

Luke 9:23-24 says that to save our life we must deny ourselves and take up our crosses and follow Jesus. We must lose our lives unto ourselves, for His sake, so that we may be saved. Taking up my cross daily means to live each day with the burdens that God has meant for me to carry and to do so in a way that glorifies Him. My “cross items” include the grief of being without my two children, the fear that others will forget them, the hurt that comes from others not acknowledging them and treating their lives as insignificant, the guilt and inadequacy that have come from being unable to carry any of my children to term, and feeling lost in trying to find who I am and where God wants me to be.

I no longer believe in the saying God will never give you more than you can carry. Instead, I believe that God can, will, and has given me more than I could bear. Why? So that I may be humbled before Him and allow Christ to fully live in me as I learn to turn to Him for strength. If losing my children were “easy,” I would have no need of Him – He who has carried me and walked with me and felt my pain. It’s not easy to rest in Him. It’s not easy to accept the light burden (Mt. 11:28-30) He offers and trust Him to take care of my grief, my anger, my guilt. But I know that God will not forsake me because of this. I know (and must remind myself) that the trials of this life are fleeting; that they are nothing compared to the glory that we will receive in the next life (II Cor. 4:1-18). This is my hope and what saves me from being overcome.

We Are Changed

These are the ways, positive and negative, in which my losses have changed me:

• My heart has softened and I’ve become more compassionate
• I’ve started writing and being creative again
• I’ve grown closer to God, my husband, and the family and friends who have been there for me and Louie during our losses
• I have more conviction about my beliefs, my faith, and how Louie and I choose to live our lives and honor our babies
• My desire to serve and reach out to others has been re-ignited and strengthened
• I’m less willing to conform myself to who or what others want of me, even if it’s at the expense of the relationship
• I’m more fearful of losing my loved ones and am more fully aware of how delicate life is
• I feel jealousy towards those who appear to have the life I want, especially when it involves carrying healthy pregnancies and being able to take home a living child (I know that what I see isn’t the whole story and am learning to let go of these feelings; it’s difficult)
• I have less confidence in my body and my ability to carry a child that will live
• I’ve become even more of a “homebody” and would rather be at home than out socializing
• I’m less tolerant of people complaining about things that are within their control to change
• The weather seems to affect my moods more

I need to give up my former life, that in which I thought I had control, and be who He wants me to be, renewed and refined by Him.

Facing the Future

When confronted by painful memories, I plan to stop, breath, allow myself to feel however I am feeling, and remember the good memories I have of my pregnancies, of being with Calvin, and of the ways in which people have supported me and Louie.

When people ask How many children do you have? or Do you have children? I will answer, We lost two children during pregnancy. Louie came up with this answer, and I like it because it acknowledges that we have children without the awkwardness of the follow-up questions that would come if we just said yes, and because it leaves it open-ended for people in terms of whether they want to leave it at that or ask more.

When I meet a child born at the time of one of my losses or one that would be the same age as one of my babies, I will try to remember that I was blessed with the time that I did have with Calvin and Rainbow. If I feel hurt or unable to interact with or hold this child, I will respect those feelings, while trying not to disrespect or the hurt the child’s parents.

I will celebrate Mother’s Day by greeting the important mothers in my life and by taking time for myself, because, although I have no living children, I am still a mother.

I plan on celebrating Calvin’s birthday each year by having a party for him and our family and providing an opportunity for everyone to do something to remember him and feel close to him. We celebrated Calvin’s first heavenly birthday last month with immediate family and a few close friends, and it included singing Happy Birthday before releasing balloons and making scrapbook pages for his baby book. I also created Kisses for Calvin and Calvin’s Cupcakes for him. We included Rainbow by releasing purple and pink balloons. I also made Calvin’s birthday cake in her honor by making a 6-layer rainbow cake. For Rainbow’s anniversary, we will probably do something smaller, with just the two of us.

Finding Support

I have found support in family, friends, my bereaved parents support group, and other babyloss mommies I’ve met on BabyCenter and through blogging, and through unexpected connections in Facebook, Twitter, and email. I found this support network by reaching out, expressing my grief, and honestly sharing how losing my babies have affected me. I feel so much more supported and less alone and isolated (which I did feel early on).

The similar experience of pregnancy and baby loss, and the emotions of hope and sorrow that come with it, have allowed me to form deep connections to and with women who are hundreds of miles away, some of whom I only know by a screen name. But I share in their grief and in their joys, and find comfort in knowing that others know my struggles and heartache. Seeing others who have learned to live again and not just survive after losing their babies gives me hope of doing the same.

Acceptance Without Shame

I honestly didn’t know if there were signs that showed I was accepting my losses. Opening up the book and starting this lesson had me in tears. Even thinking the words I accept that my babies have died is difficult and has me feeling shaky. I finally asked my husband and he answered, You talk about Calvin being in heaven… So I guess that’s my answer? I know Calvin is not here in body. I know that Rainbow is in Heaven with Calvin. I have hope in being with them again, and that means that I know they aren’t here, because I wouldn’t be hoping to be with them if they were still here with me. Romans 8:24: For in hope were we saved: but hope that is seen is not hope: for who hopeth for that which he seeth?

I don’t know if I feel okay about “accepting” my losses. I’m not in denial about Calvin and Rainbow dying. I guess my issue is the connotation of the word. I think of the phrase accept and move on, and I associate moving on with leaving behind, and that feels like forgetting. And I don’t want to forget. I guess I need to remember what the beginning of the lesson says:Acceptance means facing the full reality of the loss of your child. It is not the absence of pain, but learning to live with the ongoing reminders of your loss. But I still don’t know what facing the fully reality of the loss of your child means. I do like that it says that it’s not about the pain being gone, but about being able to live with it. I guess if that’s what acceptance is, I’m okay with that.

Is It Over Yet?

I will never be finished with my grieving – at least not in this life – but I know that it will get easier.

This Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study is part of the “Walking With You” outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. To learn more, read Kelly’s post: “Upcoming Threads of Hope Study.”

To read my posts on other lessons, please use the links below:
•Lesson One: Your Story
•Lesson Two: So Many Questions
•Lesson Three: This Can’t Be Happening
•Lesson Four: Why Me?
•Lesson Five: How Can I Go On?
•Lesson Six: I’ve Got to Get Better Soon
•Lesson Eight: Learning to Let Go
•Lesson Nine: Finding Joy