Monthly Archives: July 2011

A Thank You Giveaway

Posted on July 23, 2011 by Crystal Theresa| 3 Comments
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I recently noticed that my Google Friend Connect widget (see “stay in touch” over in the left sidebar) has reached 50. Yes this isn’t a lot, but I still remember the days when that number read “0,” when I was still in the early days of grief and reaching out to find someone–anyone–who knew what I was going through or who could empathize. This space became a safe place to mourn, to honor my babies (yes, there are places that are not “safe” to do this), to connect with others, and to start to reclaim myself. I am grateful to have 50 someones who are listening and bearing witness to this journey.

So I want to say thank you for being here.

50 followers giveaway

I want to give the following items, pictured above, as my way of showing my appreciation to one of my readers:

  • Your choice of a mini canvas bag: Louie and I went to Hawaii in May (as an anniversary trip and a late honeymoon and a getaway after we said goodbye to our third baby). On our 12 year anniversary of being “official”–because that’s how it works in high school right?–we went to mass at the oldest Catholic church on Kauai, St. Raphael’s. I stopped by the gift shop and found these two bags. The winner can choose either the “Rejoice” butterfly bag or the Lord’s Prayer bag, which has a boy and a girl angel praying on either side.
  • 15% Promo Discount Card forBeyond Words Designs: Beyond Words Designs is owned by Stephanie Dyer and is the legacy of her daughter Amelia Rose, who was stillborn last March. Stephanie creates beautiful custom paintings; if aren’t familiar with her work, I suggest you visit her site and check it out.
  • Angel keychain: The n is hidden behind the a in the photo, but this keychain has the letters “A-N-G-E-L.”
  • Recycled crayons: I had a bunch of crayons leftover from our wedding (we had coloring pages for the kids) and finally decided that I wanted to “consolidate” them. I melted them down into metal cookie cutters. I didn’t take a picture on the other side of the crayons, but they are different. Quick tip: the best way to do it is to use a double-boiler method then poor the crayons into the mold/cookie cutters on wax paper laid out on a cookie sheet.

Here are the ways to enter:

If you are one of my Google Friend Connect friends (you can join using the widget on the left if you’re currently a reader incognito), please leave a comment below sharing how you found my blog and/or a question you’d like to ask me, as well as your preference for the canvas bag.

To gain additional entries, you can:

For each additional entry, please leave another comment; this is the best way for me to make sure all your entries count. I will randomly choose the winner on July 31st.

Thank you again for being here to share in our story.

<3, Crystal Theresa

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Posted in Art Bits, Life, Self-Discovery

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More of Calvie’s cloud drawings

Posted on July 16, 2011 by Crystal Theresa| 7 Comments
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In last September’s The 5th Belongs to Calvin post, I showed Calvin’s name spelled in the clouds. This is the follow-up to that post… almost a year later. Yes, it had been sitting as a draft for almost that long. And, yes, I know I can be slow sometimes. But on this sleepless night, I’m finally sharing :) .

You can see the letters of Calvin’s name in this photo, too, but what’s particularly special about this one is that there are other images that revealed themselves in these clouds as Louie and I outlined their shapes.


What we found include angels, a cross, a phoenix, a mother holding her baby, and babies—lots of babies, and even a couple of babies whose faces I recognized. I know this seems kind of strange, but is it any “stranger” than seeing C-A-L-V-I-N in the sky? Some of the images aren’t as clear in this smaller version of the photo, and maybe it’s just me seeing what I want to see, pulling extra meaning out of what should be “meaningless.” But if it gives me hope and reassurance (and isn’t hurting anyone), let me continue to see my son—and his heavenly friends—in the clouds.

<3, Crystal Theresa

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Posted in Calvin Phoenix, Faith, Mixed Media, Photos, We Remember

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R is for Regrets (I really, really want a redo)

Posted on July 9, 2011 by Crystal Theresa| 22 Comments
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There was one point where every single night I would have trouble falling alseep because I was reliving the day Calvin was born and trying to make it right in my head over and over. I would imagine everything I would have (should have) done differently.

I kept thinking about how I should have insisted that they try to take Calvin’s footprints or how I should have offered to take them myself. I would have this conversation in my head, and sometimes I would end up with a perfect, tiny set of footprints. Other times, I would just have unrecognizable smudges, but it didn’t matter because I would know they were his. On bad nights, it felt like the nurse lied about his feet being too small and just said that to not tell me that his lower body was missing; those nights I hated feeling so morbid.

I would think about how I should have opened his blanket and looked at every part of him—I didn’t even see his hands or feet. I felt like he was too fragile to touch. I only knew his weight through the blankets. That same fear about his body being incomplete, I felt it at the hospital. I was holding Calvin after I got out of surgery to remove the placenta, and I started to open up his blanket. Then I froze with fear. I think maybe it was the anesthesia still messing with me. I wish, I wish I could go back to that moment with a clearer mind.

R is for Redo - Unpacking GriefOne of the photos from the disposable camera the nurse gave us. We went home holding this memory box instead of our baby.

I agonized (I still do sometimes) over not holding his hand in my fingers. I feel so jealous, and sometimes like such a failure, whenever I see photos of a baby’s tiny hand on their mommy’s fingertip or when I see photos of babies holding their parents’ wedding rings. If he wasn’t too fragile to be dressed and cleaned up by the nurses, then I should have been able to touch him—Why could I have figured this out then?

I would also get frustrated with myself over not having more photos of him. Why didn’t I think to take pictures? Why didn’t I ask someone to bring a digital camera? Why didn’t I use the entire disposable camera on photos of Calvin?

My biggest regret from that day though is not sharing Calvin with our family. If I could only change one thing, as much as I would love to see his hands and feet, to kiss his little fingers, I would choose to go back and let my family see and hold him. I would allow them that physical connection of knowing his weight in their arms and being able to look into his face directly, not just through photographs. I would imagine Calvin held by my family and cry at the thought of how I fractured their relationship with him. I keep telling myself that we chose what was right for us at the time, but I feel like I robbed my family of knowing my son a little more. It still really hurts thinking about this.

With each of my babies I wish I could have a redo. I wish I could go back do some things differently. I wish I had my own “Ground Hog Day,” so I can go back and do right by my babies, so I could do right by me, so I could do right by everyone else I love, so I could have had a better chance of keeping them.

What is your biggest regret?

If you could go back and change things, would you? What would you do differently? How has this regret affected you?

This post is a part of a series called Unpacking Grief, which I began as part of the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge.

<3, Crystal Theresa

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Posted in A to Z Challenge, Calvin Phoenix, Grief, Unpacking Grief

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The 5th Belongs to Calvin: Things that will never change

Posted on July 6, 2011 by Crystal Theresa| 2 Comments
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Instagram Photo
“Happy 5th Calvin. 28 months in heaven. Momma misses you.”
(via instagram 07.05.2011)

Missing: the way he moved and tumbled,  the sound of his heartbeat, watching him on the ultrasound, his weight in my arms, his face and tiny gums.

Longing: to have him back in my arms, for birthdays and first words and first steps and wet kisses, to see him with his sisters and cousins and grandparents.

Wondering: whose personality traits he has—more like mommy? or more like daddy?, how his voice sounds, what our life would be like had he lived.

Wishing: he was here (and his sisters, too), that I took more pictures of him and with him, that I held his hands and feet.

I didn’t include love in that list, because although it will never go away, it doesn’t stay the same. My love for Calvin, for my babies, transforms as much as it is transforming. And that is a beautiful thing.

Happy 28 months with Jesus, baby boy. You and your sissies are always with me. Mommy and Daddy love you, Calvin, so, so much.

PS: I know this post is late, and I’m trying to be more self-forgiving. I cried last night because I felt like I was betraying Calvin because the reason I couldn’t post was from Clomid’s side effects. I’m trying to remember that Calvin knows I love him and that our babies aren’t bound by dates as signs of love (thank you for the reminder Louie).

<3, Crystal Theresa
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Posted in Calvin Phoenix, Photos, The 5th Belongs to Calvin

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