On Thursday, I had the NT scan with Bumble Bee. It was at the same place where I had my first ultrasounds with you, where I first saw and heard your heartbeat, where they told me they found amniotic bands during your NT ultrasound, and where the doctor told me that we’d lost you. It was also the same tech from the first ultrasound, and she started your NT scan, as well. I thought about you as I saw your baby sibling on the screen. I noticed the differences in your head shape and size—your head was bigger—and how Bumble Bee’s nose was more upturned than yours. I also noticed the similarities: How you both didn’t want to cooperate with this same tech and how you stretched and refused to turn.
Your baby brother or sister had a normal nuchal translucency measurement, with negative results on the screening. They told us that everything looked good. It was so different from our appointment with you, and as your mommy, it’s hard to not wish things turned out differently for you, that there weren’t amniotic bands threatening you, that the test results came back normal, that you could be here (that you, Rainbow, and Gaelen could be here) waiting to welcome Bumble. I know that’s not possible, but I miss you, all of you.
We love you so much, sweet boy. Happy 33 months in heaven, Calvin Phoenix.
I had my first prenatal appointment with Bumble Bee on Wednesday. The nurse-midwife asked about my previous pregnancies, and when she heard me call you “he,” she asked what your name was. I told her, “Calvin,” as I cried. Then I thanked her for asking your name. She said, “It matters.”
You will always be my first child, my first baby. You will always matter.
Happy 32 months in heaven, my darling. We miss you everyday.
I love you,
In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, Calvin’s Cupcakes is offering this free PAIL Cupcake for you to use for your baby/babies. Just click on the image to go to Calvin’s Cupcakes, where you can get the the high resolution version.
In addition to my Calvin, Rainbow, and Gaelen, there are so many babies that have been in my thoughts and in my heart since I joined this club. Here are just some of the sweet little ones whose families I’ve been blessed to meet (this doesn’t even come close to all of their names, and I fit all as much as I could):
I apologize if I didn’t fit your little one’s this time around. Being sick made less prepared for today than I wanted to me, but do know I’m thinking of you and your babies.