Monthly Archives: October 2010

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

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I made this Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day Cupcake at Calvin’s Cupcakes in remembrance of all of the little ones we’ve lost and ache to hold and in honor of the love we continue to carry for them.

I don’t believe anyone would choose to be a babyloss mommy or a babyloss daddy, but I am proud to be a part of this community. Although my heart is heavy, I carry my head high as Calvin and Rainbow’s mommy. I am proud to have carried their two precious lives in my belly, to have delivered and held my sweet son, and to a part of the growing voice behind Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness.

I did not do as much to celebrate this day as I would have liked (I am so behind on reading blogs that I just found out about Angie’s 30 posts in 30 days). But I am very happy to share a few things with you, in addition to the cupcake.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Twibbon

I also just created a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Twibbon Campaign. For those of you that don’t what Twibbons are, they are like stickers, which you add to your Twitter avatar or to your Facebook profile picture to show your support. If you have a Twitter or Facebook account, please consider adding the Twibbon for October 15th or even the rest of October, which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

BabyCenter supports Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

As some of you know, I currently contract at BabyCenter as a web producer, which means I help publish their content. One of the things that drew me to this company was the support I found in the BabyCenter Community. This is the first thing on the Community Guidelines:

BabyCenter welcomes all, no matter what stage of the parenting journey you are on. From deciding to try, to taking the test; from babies loved and lost and babies learning to crawl and walk; from preschool to grade-school; from the tween years to the teen years and beyond, every member on BabyCenter has the right to share the story of his or her unique parenting journey.

In case you missed it, here it is again: from babies loved and and lost. This is a clear recognition of babyloss parents and welcoming of their stories and experiences.

If you look at the BabyCenter homepage today, you will see “Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day” in big letters on the first tab of the center module. If you go to the Community homepage, you will see a module called “In Memory” and a picture of a candle in the top right. And in both of those places, you will find a link to this article, in which I get to share a little of Calvin, and in which you will see a couple of familiar names and resources: Honoring a baby who dies in pregnancy or infancy.

It is amazing to see BabyCenter bring Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness to the forefront of mainstream audiences. And I have to give special props to Marcella and to Rebecca for their attentiveness and care for all parents, even those of us who don’t have our babies with us.

And as a PS to my bloggy friends

Sorry I have been so out of the loop. I am thinking of you all. And especially today, to my fellow babyloss mommas, you and your darling angel babies are in my heart. My RSI-arms are healing, and I will catch up with you all soon (all 400+ blog posts waiting for my eyes)!

<3, Crystal Theresa

The 5th Belongs to Calvin: Calvin’s Song

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Dear baby,
I need you to know it’s all right,
though I still cry for you.

I am broken, but I’m broken by love.
And I’d rather live in pieces
than to have lived without you.
(You are my light.)

And I understand you couldn’t stay,
but I can’t wait to meet you
and be with you, baby, someday.


Calvin, I can’t believe that it’s been over a year since I wrote this song for you. I promise I’ll find the music to hold up your melody. I love you. I miss you. I can’t wait to hold you again. Happy 19 months in heaven, my darling boy.


<3, Crystal Theresa

Written in weakness –

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(a letter of desperation while counting down the months to infertility)

Dear God,

Thank you for blessing us with our two babies.
I love them with all my heart.
I know that, with You, they are safe and happy and whole.

But –

(And I know that I am selfish. That I am a sinner. That I am unworthy.) –

If it is Your will,
Lord, please bless us again with new life, please bless us with more babies –
babies who will live, who will grow – who will
stay.

And if we cannot have more
than one, God, may we have just one – One earth baby
to keep –
one child who is healthy and who lives?

Or – if we cannot have a child who is perfectly
healthy – Lord, may we, please, have one who (at least) survives
and still stays?

And – if this child cannot live –
Lord, may we (at least) be allowed
to watch and wonder at our baby’s first breath – and
to know the sweetness of our baby’s voice in his or her first cry – and
to look with awe into his or her open eyes – just

a few precious moments to lock
into our tender hearts before losing –
before saying goodbye to – another piece of ourselves and each other?

And, Lord – if we cannot have a child who is born (at least) alive –
may we (at least) know what it is to have
a pregnancy that lasts –
and may I carry our baby to term?

Or – if not a full-term pregnancy – God, may we (at least) have our baby
until the third trimester?

And if not that far, far enough
along – at least – so that I can deliver my still and silent
baby into this world – so that we may hold
our child, so that we may know the weight
of this life who was (and who continues with You)?

And, Lord, God, – if not (at least) that – how about just
another pregnancy? A flickering –
a glimpse –
of hope; may we – at least (which, I know, really is
at most) – have the promise
of a reunion in heaven where I will meet and know
who that life was meant to be
and what that life was meant to do?

And, if none
of those, then, Lord – unworthy as I know I am – please lift this longing away
from me. And just

give me
early-onset menopause –
so that I’m not

crushed

month after month after month after month after month after month after month after month after month.

Amen.

<3, Crystal Theresa

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