In addition to announcing the winner of my Something Happened giveaway, in this The 5th Belongs to Calvin post, I wanted to share a little bit of Calvin and Rainbow’s daddy – the man who has been with me since high school, when I was just a girl trying to catch his eye and capture his heart. I guess I did a pretty good job of it, too, since Louie is now my husband and the father of my two heavenly babies.
I am very proud to call this man my husband, my best friend, and the father of my children. (I guess you can call him my homie-lover-friend-baby-daddy ). I love him and the way he loves me and our children. He isn’t perfect, and there are times when I don’t know whether to scream at him or tear my hair out. But his imperfections – and the way he so gracefully (most of the time) accepts mine – are part of what makes him right for me.
We are by no means one of those couples who are always on the same wavelength, and sometimes it takes a lot of work to understand things through each other’s eyes, but that’s okay with us. I will never know the hurt I caused in my moments of anger, selfishness, and spite. I will never know how it felt for him to doubt our relationship right before our wedding but still decide he loved me enough to make it work. I will never know what it was like for him to watch me deliver our dead son beyond the I’m sorry‘s he tearfully whispered into my hair over and over or the helplessness he must have felt I bled and lost our second pregnancy, our Rainbow. What I do know is that he does not ask it of me.
The day Calvin was born, it wasn’t until my arms were heavy and weak that I asked Louie if he wanted to hold our baby. (I will never forget the weight of him – my first child, my son – in my arms, it helps me know that he was real and he was here and he lived.) The way Louie’s face lit up, as he smiled and said, Really?, will never leave me; he was willing to let me carry Calvin in my arms for as long as I wanted, the whole time, even, without thinking twice about it. The pride and love in Louie’s face, the gentle rocking and soft sweetness in his voice as he sang to our baby, and the way he carried him over to the window overlooking the city to have his daddy-son talk – These moments make all the heartache that came with leaving the hospital worth it. I am so thankful to have been able to see Louie father our son.
I know that I neglect to tell him how much he means to me and that, though it may seem like I take him for granted, I know that he has gone through so much in our 11 years together, and especially in the past year and a half. The rate of separation between couples who have lost a child are higher than those who haven’t (which is already high as it is), and I feel lucky to have a husband who is willing to walk through the valley with me in a very real way: from losing friends to family to our only children. He has stayed with me and held me in my brokenness, sharp edges and all. I am so blessed by Louie’s heart. I am in awe of his strength and his sensitivity. I am so jealousy of his creativity and artistic talent. I am inspired by his way with words, especially when they are formed by compassion. And I am especially in love with how much he loves our babies.
Happy 15 months in heaven, Calvin Phoenix. I am so proud to call myself your mommy. Thank you for blessing me and daddy. Thank for all the ways in which you’ve inspired me. And thank you for helping me see just how great your daddy is.