Monthly Archives: April 2010

Severely Disappointed by Mattress Discounters

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Last September, after sleeping in our backpacking tent for six months, we decided to buy a mattress. We walked into Mattress Discounters and we’re allured by the Tempurpedic mattress, and even bought a queen-sized bed. We asked if it would be okay to put on the floor, and we were told yes. We asked if we needed to buy a foundation for it, we were told no, only if we were getting a bed frame. This was our first major purchase and we went all out with buying a protective mattress pad and nice sheets. We were so happy to be sleeping in a bed instead of blankets piled on sleeping mats at the bottom of a tent. Before that, we slept on two twin mattresses on the floor.

Moldy Tempurpedic mattress

This is what the mattress looks like after two weeks of treatment (vinegar, baking soda, vacuuming, vinegar+hydrogen peroxide, baking soda, vacuuming). Most of the spores seem to be gone now, and we are left with all of these stains.

Fast forward a few months and the rainiest weather San Francisco has had in a couple years, and Louie discovers mold growing on the bottom of the mattress. He calls Tempurpedic to ask for advice on how to clean it and is informed that you need a foundation to prevent mold growth and there have been a lot of complaints, especially in San Francisco. And there is nothing they can do because the warranty is void without a foundation. He’s told to take a photo and bring it to the store. Louie goes to Mattress Discounters and is told by one sales rep that he should know better and expect things to get moldy in San Francisco, and that she’s had to throw a lot of things out due to mold damage. First of all, has she ever thrown out a thousand dollar mattress? And second of all, if you are selling a product in San Francisco, is it wrong to assume that you know what your talking about? Another guy tells Louie that he can’t do anything because the purchase is “locked” after 90-days and to call the Mattress Discounters customer service line. Louie calls and is told that you can put the mattress on the ground, to which he responds that he called Tempurpedic who told him that the foundation is a must. She gets off the phone to talk to her boss who tells her to email Tempurpedic. When Louie follows up the next day, she tells him there is nothing they can do because the warranty is void and Tempurpedic said you can put the mattress on the floor, but there is a risk of moisture damage.

This past Monday, I sent an email to Mattress Discounters’ main customer service email explaining the issue and asking for a replacement mattress. I think it’s only fair since their due diligence should be to (at the very least) warn us of the possible moisture damage caused by not having a foundation. If the sales rep had told us that, we would have spent the extra money to buy a foundation, instead of risking damaging our mattress. I gave them until Friday to respond, and did not receive one. So yesterday, I called at 11:04am (they open at 11) and got sent to voicemail. So, I left a message. I did not get a call back.

I’m pretty sure we’ve passed the limit the “in good faith” part of trying to resolve the issue. So now, I’m going to call the credit card company tomorrow, and see if we can just stop making payments. We have about $400 left to pay off (the total for everything was around $1700, including tax, the mattress cover, and bedsheets).

And where are we sleeping?

Well, we are back in our cozy tent until we can figure something out.

<3, Crystal Theresa

Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy: Lesson 5 – How Can I Go On?

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After losing my babies, I expressed my grief through crying, writing, art, and talking with people. I still do that. I also allowed myself to be sad — honestly, I wanted to be sad forever, if it meant I would never forget my children. I don’t allow myself to cry or express this sadness (at least in real life) as much anymore because I feel like I need to keep going and there are people in my life who expect be to be better already. Sometimes, I get afraid of getting stuck in the sadness, but I know it’s important to honor and respect my feelings. For some reason, though, I haven’t been putting that into practice as much lately.

Depression

I know I’m depressed when I feel lethargic and don’t want to get out of bed. Other times, I can’t sleep because my mind can’t find rest. I stop taking care of myself and things just start to get messy at home. I find that when I can grieve “productively,” and do things that honor my babies, that when I lean into the grief again, I start to feel better. It’s like what is said in Psalms 126:6: He that goeth forth and weepeth bearing seed for sowing, shall doubtless come again with joy, bringing his sheaves [with him]. I need to make something of my mourning and carry the good back with me.

Loneliness

Louie's Bookmark from Fr. Miguel

I hoped my parents, family, and close friends could help me. Those who were present did, but I was hurt by the lack of response and acknowledgment, by words that were insensitive and didn’t respect my mourning, my grieving process, and the decisions we made. I felt betrayed, abandoned, and forgotten. And what hurt more was that if felt like Calvin was being forgotten, and his life was not respected.

My family was also grieving for my loss and for the hurt Louie and I were experiencing. I think they may have been overwhelmed by their feelings and not knowing how to offer us the comfort we needed because it was difficult to see us in such pain. I think they would rather see us “healed” and “moved on” or maybe just didn’t know what to say. So we were offered simple platitudes such as He’s with God, It wasn’t meant to be, and other things that would definitely make other baby loss parents really upset. These things did not help. They felt isolating.

Christ knew a lot of loneliness. He knew grief. I believe He knows my sorrow and understands it. In the times when I feel most alone, I am reminded that God will always be with me because He is the only to whom one I can turn. Father Miguel gave Louie the bookmark to the left, which has Romans 8:35-39 on, after he blessed and baptized Calvin (that’s Louie’s handwriting). He is constant, when others are not. I feel blessed by that.

Guilt

More recently, I’d been feeling really guilty about my losing Calvin, and specifically the day I delivered him and all the things I didn’t do. I found myself consumed, replaying this over and over again as I lay in bed at night, trying to make it right. I’ve tried to remind myself that I did the best I could at the time. I asked God to take this guilt from me, and I think He is doing that. He is helping me to let go. This incessant self-doubt starting has started lifting from me. What really helped was the homily at church a few weeks ago, in which the priest specifically spoke of needing to let go of unrealistic guilt. Louie and I had originally planned to go at different time at a church closer to home, but went to St. Ignatius instead because we were running late. I was meant to hear that homily, from that priest, at that Mass, at that church.

Fear

I’m more afraid for people who have babies or who are pregnant. I’m afraid I will never have a living child. I’m afraid that something will happen to my husband or to my loved ones. I’m repeatedly plagued by the thoughts of not getting pregnant again, and of always losings my babies if I do.

When I am anxious I turn to God and to my husband and try to keep trusting that whatever He chooses to do with me and my life is for His greater glory and that I will be with my babies again in Heaven.

God will be with me and uphold me. He will comfort me and be by my side. I can cry to Him. He gives power, love, and discipline. When I find myself depressed, I plan to turn to God’s Word to lift me up. That is one new way I have learned to deal with my anxiety. By turning to His Word and remembering his promise, I can be soothed:


Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And [why] art thou disquieted within me? Hope thou in God; for I shall yet praise him [for] the help of his countenance. (Psalm 42:5)


This Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study is part of the “Walking With You” outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. To learn more, read Kelly’s post: “Upcoming Threads of Hope Study.”

To read my posts on other lessons, please use the links below:
Lesson One: Your Story
Lesson Two: So Many Questions
Lesson Three: This Can’t Be Happening
Lesson Four: Why Me?
Lesson Six: I’ve Got to Get Better Soon
Lesson Seven: Moving On to Acceptance
Lesson Eight: Learning to Let Go
Lesson Nine: Finding Joy



<3, Crystal Theresa

Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy: Lessons 4 – Why Me?

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I really like this sentence in the opening of this chapter: Anger expressed appropriately, however, can deepen our relationships, leading to personal growth. As the book says, expressing it in a destructive way can be severely damaging, but it’s also not healthy to suppress anger and let it eat away at you. It festers. It becomes toxic. And in the end, I think it can end relationships, when issues aren’t addressed. Anger is a valid emotion, and shoving it aside because you love the person with whom you are upset is an unfair expectation. If you love someone you should be willing to listen and try to at least respect where these emotions are coming from. When handled appropriately, I definitely agree that it can deepen relationships because it starts to create better understanding.

Our Response to Anger

I think the three warnings in Ephesians 4:26-27 have it right:

  1. Be angry and sin not
  2. let not the sun go down upon your wrath
  3. neither give place to the devil

Anger with Others

I don’t feel angry too much anymore, but it did affect me in a very negative way. It made me unhappy and bitter. It made me want to separate from those that hurt me.

What makes me the most angry about my loss now is that I was not more prepared. I’ve let go of a lot of the anger I had towards people who trivialized my loss or who weren’t there when we first found out about something was wrong with Calvin. I haven’t forgotten, no, but I won’t let it eat away at me anymore. I think expressing myself – whether it was on Twitter or on my blogs or talking with Louie and our support group or writing it in my private journal – has been really helpful in allowing me to slowly let go of it. I’ve also been praying, too, asking God to lift these negative feelings from me, to help me do as Ephesians 4:31-32 says: Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and railing, be put away from you, with all malice32 and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God also in Christ forgave you. I have also addressed some of these emotions in my N.E.T. sessions with my chiropractor.

Anger with Ourselves

I wrote about about a lot of my should have‘s in this post: My Failings as a Mother. Since losing Calvin and Rainbow, I’ve felt inadequate, like less of a women, like less of a wife. I feel like my body failed me, my children, and my family. It has definitely hurt my self-image. It is so hard to let go of this, but I am trying. I am trying to remember Psalms 139:15-16. Calvin’s and Rainbow’s frames were not hidden from God when they were formed in my womb. He saw their souls and knew the path their lives would take before their lives even began. I have no control over the length of my babies’ lives.

Anger with God

I was never angry at God. I felt alone. I felt abandoned and forgotten. But I think I wasn’t angry at Him because I didn’t feel betrayed by Him. What I wanted most from Him was understanding. I know He had a great reason to allow my babies to die, just as He gave His only son up to death in order to save us, there is a greater mystery to Calvin’s and Rainbow’s lives that I was hurting to learn. I am still waiting, but I trust in Him.


This Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study is part of the “Walking With You” outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. To learn more, read Kelly’s post: “Upcoming Threads of Hope Study.”

To read my posts on other lessons, please use the links below:
Lesson One: Your Story
Lesson Two: So Many Questions
Lesson Three: This Can’t Be Happening
Lesson Five: How Can I Go On?
Lesson Six: I’ve Got to Get Better Soon
Lesson Seven: Moving On to Acceptance
Lesson Eight: Learning to Let Go
Lesson Nine: Finding Joy



<3, Crystal Theresa

The 5th Belongs to Calvin: Hope and Cupcakes

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Knowing Him

During Easter Mass yesterday, as with every Mass, I find myself crying after taking Communion, while I’m kneeling in prayer. Lately, it feels like church is the only place where the tears flow freely, where the awareness of the rising in my throat is not accompanied with an urge to stop it. Yesterday, I realized it was because I know Jesus understands my pain and is okay with me being unable to carry my burdens with strength unwavering.

I started coming to full realization of how much Jesus went through on Palm Sunday. Yes, I’ve watched The Passion. I’ve been involved in the Passion play at my church. I have seen the Stations of the Cross. Palm Sunday, however, was the first time that the Word, by itself, without the visual impact, brought me to tears. Since losing my babies, I could finally related to what Christ was feeling as He prayed and sweat blood, asking, pleading with God, but only if it was the Father’s will. How I prayed and prayed for Calvin to be saved, for Rainbow to live, knowing that it was not His plan. And after being let down and disappointed by friends and family, I could understand the hurt that Jesus must have felt as He looked to the Apostles for support, but found them sleeping. For the first time, I felt connected to Jesus’s agony, and it didn’t seem so distant anymore. It began with the Responsorial Psalm: My God, My God, why have you abandoned me? and continued through the readings. I know that pain. I know what it is like to hurt so badly, that you question whether God has forgotten you.

But this was all part of God’s plan: Jesus went through all of that for me, for my babies, to ensure that we would gain eternal life and never be separated again. I don’t know that I could have come to know Him as intimately as I do if it weren’t for Calvin and Rainbow. Maybe that is part of His plan for me?

Hope in His Promise

Blue Lanterns on EasterThis picture was taken during lunch after Mass yesterday. For any of you super geeks out there (I married one), you may recognize the symbols we are wearing. It’s the symbol of the Blue Lanterns’ power rings, which are fueled by the emotion hope (there are different colored lanterns, with different symbols, that are fueled by other emotions). I also love their oath (which they use to recharge):

In fearful day, in raging night,
With strong hearts full, our souls ignite,
When all seems lost in the War of Light,
Look to the stars For hope burns bright!

Isn’t that just awesome? I thought it was fitting for Easter, so I went ahead and “geeked out” with Louie in celebration of Christ’s resurrection and the promise it brings — especially that of seeing Calvin and Rainbow again.

Sharing in the Joy

calvin's cupcakes


Today, I also wanted to announce the official launch of Calvin’s Cupcakes! Last month, on Calvin’s birthday, I shared that Calvin’s Cupcakes would be coming soon on this post. There are already several cupcakes up on the site, because we started making cupcakes and sending them out as I was getting the site up and as we were waiting for today to officially launch. We did not want to miss any birthdays.

We are so happy to be able to do this in honor of our sweet boy and in celebration of all those beautiful children who have their birthday parties in Heaven and know the joys of being in His presence. Please feel free to grab the site button and share Calvin’s Cupcakes with others.


Happy 13 months in Heaven, Calvin Phoenix! Thank you for the hope you have brought into Mommy and Daddy’s lives, and the ways in which we have been inspired by you. We love you so much.


<3, Crystal Theresa

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