A part of me wonders if I should have guarded my heart against loving my Rainbow. Could it have dulled the deep sting of this second loss in any way? But then, it seems kind of ridiculous. What milestone is there to say it’s okay to start loving your baby when I have seen parents lose their children at all stages of life?
Statistics say the chance of miscarriage drops to 5% after you see the heartbeat. Statistics say that after the first trimester, you are “safe.” But those rules did not apply to Calvin. And all of our losses did not save our next baby, because there is no “loss quota.” Or maybe that rule doesn’t apply to us either. And I know too many people who have lost their babies after they reached viability outside of the womb and even after birth and in the days, weeks, months, and even years that followed.
If anything, I am glad for the hope and happiness I felt in the few weeks of my pregnancy with Rainbow. One of my fears was that I would have nothing of my heart to give after Calvin went to be with God. But that fear melted away. I can love as fiercely and as wholly as I loved my first child. There is no capacity to limit the love I can have for any of my children – living or dead. I am comforted by that.
As Louie said, if we can’t have happiness, we’ll take a beautiful sadness. I’d rather miss my babies than have nothing.
Thank you, my two little ones, for giving us that. I know happiness will come, but I don’t mind the wait. I love you, Calvin and Rainbow, and I can’t wait to have you in my arms.
