I decided to get off the bus early on Wednesday and just wander down Clement Street because I knew Louie wouldn’t be home until after 10pm because of his class. I walked into Genki, and as we usually do when we walk around that store, I looked for something for Calvin. (Some people may find it odd that we continue to buy things for our son—our baby who know longer exists in the land of the living—but it brings us comfort, and we know Calvin can see these things from where he is. And if God ever blesses with another child, I’m sure Calvin won’t mind sharing with his little brother or sister.)
I found that bunny, and it reminded me of Calvin. It’s small and it’s wearing blue, and I think he’d like it. So I bought it, and I brought it home. When Louie saw it he asked, Is this me? It looks like me. Is this Calvin? It looks like Calvin. I told him it was for Calvin, and he replied that that’s probably why he thought it looked like him. I agree. Both of my boys have big heads .
Since the very painful lost of my son, Calvin Phoenix, when I was 18 weeks pregnant, blogworld has become a great source of comfort and support for me, and in this space I’m starting to learn more and more about these beautiful people, these blogging chums (as Lynette would put it), beyond the heartache of child loss. To help us get to know each other better, she came with:
“20 Weird Questions That Will Give a Little Insight Into Who You Are”
What is your favorite thing to snack on while you’re blogging?
My fingertips. Louie, my sweet husby, pointed it out to me one day by doing an impression of me on my computer.
What is one thing you wouldn’t want to live without?
If by thing, you mean an inanimate object, I would have to say my iPhone. If this question were one thing/person/being you can’t live without, that answer is easy: God.
Beach, Mountains or Farm? Where would you live if you had a choice?
I’d pick the beach. Mountains have bears, lions, and caves and crevices in which scary creatures can hide. The farm would be my second choice because I’d love to grow my own food.
What’s your least favorite chore/household duty?
Washing dishes because I don’t like the feeling of grease or clammy, wet, wrinkled fingers. I know I could just wear gloves, but my fine motor skills suffer when I wear them; I just feel less able. Maybe I need to find the right size.
Who do people say you remind them of?
Phoebe from “Friends,” Liz Lemon from “30 Rock,” and when I was in junior high, my dad said my friend Grace and I reminded him of Beavis and Butthead, from, well, “Beavis and Butthead,” because we would just sit there laughing at stuff.
Prefer parties and socializing or staying at home with the fam?
Staying at home. Or small parties at home. I enjoy more intimate events over big bashes.
What’s your all time favorite movie?
I can’t list just one; I just can’t. I can give you four (in no particular order): Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, What Dreams May Come, Amelie, and Knocked Up.
Do you sleep in your make up or remove it like a good girl every night?
It depends. If I’m really tired, I get lazy and just sleep in it. Sometimes I’m just lazy. That’s actually one of the reasons why I started using Bare Minerals makeup – it’s okay to sleep in it!
Do you have a hidden talent or a deep desire to learn something that you’ve never had a chance to learn? What is it?
Hidden talent: I give great massages.
There are so many things I would love to learn to do: sew, create handmade jewelry (soldering iron anyone?), make pasta from scratch, play the guitar, take brilliantly awesome photos, sing, compose music, be able to code web backend on the fly…
What’s one strange thing you’re really good at?
I’m really, really good at going the opposite direction I should be going.
What first attracted you to your spouse?
His smile. His sweater. And his art.
What is something you love to smell?
Fresh laundry! It’s so crisp and clean. When Louie is wearing a freshly laundered shirt, I love to rest my nose against the top of his shoulder and inhale deeply. I even do this in public. Louie finds it odd. And sometimes embarrassing.
Tell something about you that you know irritates people.
Sometimes I tend to be a know-it-all. I’ve learned I’m still in the processing of learning that I don’t have to answer people’s rhetorical questions (e.g., why is it cold when the sky is clear?) or correct people’s mispronunciations or incorrect recollection of conversation/song lyrics.
When you have extra money (HA!) what’s the first thing you think to do with it?
Put it towards bigger payments on my bills or buy something I’ve been wanting. I would currently like “extra” money for a new computer.
Are you a silent laugher or a loud laugher? What makes you laugh the hardest?
I’m a silent laughter, unless something funny that is really, really unexpected happens. It makes me feel bad for Louie sometimes because he’ll show me something funny, but always has to ask to if I thought it was funny because I wasn’t laughing. The hardest I’ve laughed in while was actually tonight when Louie and I were with our support group, and we were sharing our middle names with each other. I was telling the story of how Louie came about having his middle name.
Where is your favorite place to shop?
I do more window shopping than actual shopping. And usually it’s not really window shopping, but looking around online at things, so I guess it’s the Internets?
What’s one thing you’d do more often if you had more time?
I would write more, art more, craft more.
Are you a big spender or frugal?
I’m usually very frugal, but once in a while I will splurge on something. Read: iPhone. Bed. Nice sheets. 30 Rock on DVD.
Who is your favorite character of all time (from a movie or book)? (Can’t be real)
The statement “of all time” seems so definite. How about at the moment? At the momen, my favorite character is Harold from Harold and the Purple Crayon, because he reminds me Calvin and I’d like to think Calvin has his own “purple crayon” in Heaven.
Would you want to be famous?
Yes, but not if it were for something bad. I guess that would mean infamous. I don’t want infamy. Maybe I just want to be known… not necessarily famous like a celebrity.
Would you like to join the blog party and find more blogging chums?
Just click on the banner at the top to grab the questions and see how to link up. Or you can just as easily click on this link to get there, as well.
Not too long ago, while sitting on the bus on the way to work listening to my iPod, I began thinking about how I used to always sing – whether it was with the radio, responding to Louie or my siblings in song, making up melodies in nonsense words, or through humming as I worked. Since losing Calvin, however, that desire had buried itself beneath my grieving.
That same night, Louie’s cousin, Abby, sent me a message via Twitter, telling me to look up a song on YouTube. She told me that she hears me, Louie, and Calvin in the song. Here are the video and lyrics:
Desert Song (This is Our God)
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on it’s way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
The seed I’ve received I will sow
How amazing is that? That she would send me that song and tell me to watch the longer version of the video (with the testimonial) on that particular day… Even though I may not always feel Him, I know I am held in God’s Grace. And even though Calvin Phoenix is not physically here with me, I have a beautiful son to whom I am so blessed to be mother. And that is enough reason to sing.
Thank you, Abby, for reminding me, and for remembering me, Louie, and especially Calvin Phoenix.
.
