One of the women in my support group mentioned that she makes cupcakes on the same day of every month, the date of her son’s birthday, as a way to honor and remember him. I think it’s a beautiful idea, and would like to do something similar for Calvin, and for myself and my husband. I am calling it The 5th Belongs to Calvin (I’ll explain why in a future post).

It would be a way for us to share him with the world, which is something that has weighed heavily in my heart. I wanted so much for people to know him as I have, to know how much joy, warmth, and purpose he brought into our lives. Especially during a time in which I was starting to forget myself and get lost in resentment over certain parts of my life, carrying Calvin, praying for him, crying over him brought Louie and me closer to each other, closer to family and friends, and more significantly, closer to God. Despite the aching, when it comes down to the very heart of it, Calvin Phoenix brings me calm. And my son continues to teach, inspire, and heal me.

The Calvin Phoenix Photo Project

As part of this celebration of my son’s brief life on earth (and continued life in heaven), I need your help. After encountering “Phoenix” in so many places and being blessed with the occasional “Calvin,” we’ve come to realize how much comfort it brings us; it feels like it’s our son telling us, “Yes, Mommy and Daddy, I still live, and I am still with you.” And in light of the fact that we have so few pictures of our little boy, I would like to ask you to help build our collection by contributing to The Calvin Phoenix Photo Project and join our family photo album.

There are more ways of seeing a person than by looking directly at him. Though my son was not meant to be in this world longer than the 4 1/2 months I carried him in my womb, each time I hear or see “Calvin” and “Phoenix,” I know he’s reminding me that he’s still with me. Would you help him pass his message to me and his daddy?

If you see our son’s name or anything that moves you to know that it is him, please let me know and send any photos to calvin@calvinphoenix.com.

Thank you so much!

First, yes, I do know I’m a month and another major holiday late. If it’s any consolation, I did share these photos on BabyCenter and Facebook the night of Mother’s Day. It’s just that sometimes it takes me a while to process, and it has taken me some time to really be up to writing about Mothers Day. It was an exhausting day, definitely, but not necessarily in a bad way.

In this situation, the anxiety leading up to the day ended up being worse than the actual day. My greatest concern was that nobody would acknowledge me on this day – my first Mothers Day – and by doing so, would also not be acknowledging Calvin as my son, but rather deny his existence. That is what is most painful to me.

An Alternative to “Happy Mothers Day” and Store-Bought Cards

I could not bring myself to say the words “Happy Mothers Day,” so I did not force myself to say them. I also did not go to the store to buy cards. Instead, I took note cards, decorated them, chose a relevant passage of scripture to write in each card. It was very therapeutic for me to do this. Then Louie and I wrote our own messages in for each of the mothers in our immediate families.

A Blue Ribbon From and For Calvin

We celebrated with my family on Saturday. We surprised my mom with sushi and gave her our gift. At times it was awkward for me, because all I could think of was Calvin and how much I missed him and how much I was looking forward to our first Mothers Day together.

After looking through the photobook we had put together for my parents, my mom got up and said she needed to get something. She came back with carnations and started to hand them to my sisters, Michelle and Jeannette, who each have two kids. I found myself staring at the wood floor, trying to swallow the ache that was rising from my chest and through my throat. The she came up to me, and, through tears said, “Calvin told me to give these to you.” She extended her hand, giving me a stem of carnations that were tied with a bow made of blue ribbon – “blue for Calvin.”

To have my mom recognize me as a mother and to validate Calvin’s existence: That was healing moment for me.

To All the Mothers – and Fathers – Who Have Lost a Child

Whether it be it your only child, or one of several, or more than one, I want you know that I honor you and your losses, the life of your sweet ones, and the love that still connects you.

You are free to copy these photographs for your own personal use. They are mine to offer. I hope having them can provide some healing for you as writing these words out in the sand provided for me. Any commercial entities, however, are requested to let me know of their usage and to provide credit to this blog. If you’d like higher resolution versions of any of these pictures, email me: crystal[at]louielovescrsytal[dot]com, and I’d be happy to send them to you.

This is My Group’s 48 Hour Film Project – San Francisco 2009 Entry

In two days, we had to write a script, film, score, and edit a 4-7 minute film in the genre that we randomly pulled, that included the following elements:

• Character: Claude or Claudette Green, Guitarist
• Prop: A Hat
• Line of Dialogue: “I believe anyone can change.”

The genre we ended up with was “Family Film” (randomly drawn).

Stuff I worked on include the script, hair & makeup, and some photo-editing. I hope you enjoy watching it at least half as much as I enjoyed working on this project.

I know I can’t
make you whole again
But I’m here.
I’m here to catch
your tears in the palms of my hand,
to try to make the landing a little less

rough
when you fall,
because I’m falling,

too. So I’ll go down with you,
and,
when we are
ready, we can
help one another climb
back up, when we are ready,
but only then.
And if you are never

ready
to let go

of our child, of our baby,
know that it’s okay because I can’t
let Calvin go, either,
at least not in the way of forgetting
or letting ourselves lose
him to the aching of our grief.

I love you, Louie. Happy Father’s Day.

This past weekend, I worked on the 48 Hour Film Project as part of the crew of a great friend and talented filmmaker, Nelson Nunez’s. It was the first time since losing Calvin that I’ve really been able to fully put myself into the work I was doing.

I didn’t feel alienated like I usually do when surrounded by other people. I didn’t want to leave and just be home alone with Louie and what we have of Calvin Phoenix. There was just such an energy and sense that all of us (22 crew members plus 5 actors on Saturday) together, that each of us apart, were moving towards the same goal, the same desire, that I didn’t feel lost being around these people. And I am so thankful for that – for each person’s lack of selfishness. It makes the title of our movie “Ties that Bind” appropriate on so many levels.

If You Can, Join Us at the Screening

Date: Monday, June 15, 2009
Times: 7pm and 9:30pm
Location: Roxie Theater (3117 16th Street @ Valencia, San Francisco, CA)

To learn more about the San Francisco Project, find times for other showings, and pre-order tickets: See 48 Hour Film Project – San Francisco